Everybody Breaks
by feeltheempathy
Summary: Continuation of the Simple Things. "Even the best fall down sometimes." Everyone makes mistakes, but while mending from her dad's death and other simple problems with Eli, how will she crack? Will it change Clare in the long-run?
1. Chapter 1: Slipped Away

**Welcome to the wonderful world of my sequel! **

**This whole story is probably going to be in Clare's POV the whole time except for a few spots. **

**So let me know what you guys think of my first chapter! **

"You ready for this Clare?" My mother asks me with sincerity.

I felt the tears trail up to my eyes and my head falls. I shake my head back and forth and whisper, "No."

My mother rests her hand on my shoulder which helped my tears actually stay in my eyes and I gave her a weak smile. "Let's do this, shall we?"

We both look up to a car pulling up to the chapel. It was my grandmother and Darcy, and she steps out of the car and it looked as if she had been crying her whole way from the airport. She didn't say a word. She stood there, petrified and looked at me and my mother as if she had just seen E.T.

She breaks out of her stare and the tears come down her face. She runs over to my mother and pulls her into a hug. A few seconds later, she grabs me and pulls me into the hug and we stand there, hugging, not ready to go into the service.

We all pull away from the hug and Darcy wipes a tear from her face. "I can't believe he's gone," She all chocked up.

We all become brave warriors and take our steps into the chapel where my father's funeral was held. I was having a hard time facing the fact that he's gone, but it is what it is, and we can't bring him back. At least now he's in a better place, and I can actually sleep at night without having to hear crashing noises and screeches of yelling through my walls.

The whole service the only thing I could picture in my mind was my dad slamming my mother against the wall and him running off that night. I couldn't honestly say anything good about my dad at the moment, but I know that my gut hated him, but my heart couldn't.

I drop my head because I didn't want anybody to see me cry. Darcy looks over at me and puts her arm around me comforting me. I could tell she was crying too.

The service ended quickly, and I raise my head up as it was time for everybody to leave. We all get up and make a line to the casket to say our final goodbyes. My mother was first, and she looked at him on the verge of breaking down, and I know that she will later when we get home. Next was me, and Darcy was behind me. I stop at the casket and lay my hand on the edge of it. Darcy does the same. I feel a tear fall down my cheek and I figured that was when I should go. I start to walk forward and let my hand fall off the casket and walk out of the chapel.

There was silence in the car because nobody could speak about what just happened until Darcy broke the silence. "So Clare, how have you been?"

"Fine," I answer a little too vaguely.

"Just fine?" She asks.

"…Yep."

I could feel her weird look developing on her face. "Alright, so what have you been doing these two years I've been gone?"

"…Nothing."

She pauses for a second and says weirdly, "OK."

The rest of the ride was completely silent. I don't think anybody really felt like talking about what has happened with my dad, so it was best to just keep quiet because then everybody would be broken down.

The whole car ride I thought about how much it sucks that my dad is gone, and how I'm going to go through these years without a dad. Who was the one that taught me how to ride a bike? Who was the one that has always been there for me? My dad…

When we got home, I helped Darcy with her bags and took them up to my room. We shared a room basically since I was born, so we have no problem with it now.

I set one of her bags on the mattress that my mom dug out from the basement that Darcy was going to sleep on and start to hear my phone ring. I take it out of my pocket and notice the screen say that it's Eli.

"Excuse me a second," I say to Darcy and step out into the hall to answer my phone. I press the answer button. "Hey Eli,"

"So how'd it go?" He asks.

"It was fine, but I'll probably be all drained out tears for the next month."

He chuckles and then pauses. "I'm sorry Clare. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you."

I actually felt that I wasn't going to cry. Eli seemed to make me feel better. "It's alright. Thanks for checking up, but I have to help Darcy unpack."

"Okay," He says. "I love you Clare."

I smile and say quietly so Darcy doesn't get suspicious. "I love you too." I hang up my phone and go back into our room to help Darcy unpack.


	2. Chapter 2: Horrible Replay

"Are you ok, Clare?" Darcy asked me. The lights were out in our room and the TV was on some reality show that Darcy was watching. I think it was Jersey Shore, which I never really got into.

"I won't be until you turn this crap off!" I say slamming a pillow on my ears.

She sighs and proceeds to turn off the TV and flicks on the lamp set by her bed. "There. Now are you ok?"

I nod. "I'll be fine Darcy. I just want to know if you're ok."

She shakes her head. "I kind of regret going to Kenya. I should've been here while all this was going on."

"Don't feel sorry for yourself Darcy."

"But I do! I just wish I would've been here to help with everything." She shakes a grin on her face. "Enough about the depressing stuff, now I want to know about you." She crosses her legs and sits up to hear all the details. "So, what has been going on with you lately?"

I laugh. Leave it to Darcy.

I sit up also and do the same that she did and proceed to tell her everything from what happened with KC, to now with Eli. "Wow," She says and reaches over to nudge my shoulder. "Little Clare Bear's growing up."

"Yeah," I say starting to feel a little bummed out now. "And it's getting old." I lay my head back on my bed and grab my laptop off my desk and open it. I open the internet browser and log in to Facerange with Darcy still expecting to talk to me.

"So," she starts again. "Tell me about Eli." A few seconds after she says that an IM pops up from Eli. Speak of the devil.

**Eli-golds82: What are you doing up so late, you should be in bed. ;)**

I smile and look at the clock. Already 11:00? "He's cool." I say more focused on sending Eli an IM back.

**Clare-e123: ohhh, I should be saying the same to you Goldsworthy. :)**

"Just cool?" Darcy asks basically choking it out of me. "I knew that, otherwise you wouldn't be going out with him, now would you?" She chuckled and so did I. I wasn't paying attention much after that.

**Eli-golds82: What are you my mom? ;) **

"Clare!" I hear and see hands fly back and forth in front of the screen. "Are you even listening to me?"

I chuckle. "Sorry Darcy," I say and say that I have to go to Eli and shut my laptop and look at her. She gives me a weird look. "What?" I ask, confused.

"Are you going to answer my question?" She asks me. I look at her with a look that's basically asking 'what's the question again?' She rolls her eyes. "I asked you what Eli's like." I open my mouth to say something but she interrupts me. "And don't just say he's cool."

I laugh. "He's very mysterious. He has that cocky grin and he's very sarcastic. But he's really sweet."

Darcy laughs. "He sounds like a good one." She says giving one last grin. "I'm going to bed now. You should too little miss 'I'm gonna stay up late and have mysterious IM conversations with Eli all night.'"

I laugh. She was on to me, I could tell. I slip under my covers and fall to sleep easily.

_I trail down the stairs quickly to see my dad holding my mom against the wall. "Ronald, stop it!" _

"_Dad, please!" I say and run over to him. I try with all my might to pull him off, but it was all useless._

_He looks over to me standing there, petrified. "Dad, please." I barely said between my tears. _

_He then let go and dashes out the door a little too fast. _

My eyes swing open to the sound of my alarm. I find my chest hurting, and my breath falling short. I look around and see the light gleam through my window and realize, _phew, it was just a dream just then, _but it did actually happen, which was the scary part.I see Darcy still sleeping like a rock. Good thing I didn't wake her with my hyperventilating.

That was probably the scariest experience in my life! I've never felt so hopeless at that moment. I put my hand on my head and notice I was sweating. I need a shower…


	3. Chapter 3: Something I Need To Know

My mom drives up to the school after a silent ride there. "Don't even think about yesterday," My mom says and brushes my hair behind my ear. "Just have a good day at school, alright?"

It was hard not to think of yesterday because it was my dad! How could I not think about it? I snag a quick, fake, grin. "Alright mom," I say and step out of the car and she drives off. I stand there a second, paralyzed. I didn't want to go in there; I didn't want to go a whole day at Degrassi because I know all my thoughts will lead back to my dad.

I finally work up the courage to walk into the school and head to my locker, though I regretted every step I took. I start to my locker, but on my way there, I notice Eli and Adam both sitting in front of Adam's locker. I step to go over and say hi, for they didn't see me yet until…

"Can't you just tell her?" I hear from Adam. _Tell who what? It's none of your business Clare. Yet, it so is! _I step to the corner and hide behind it, still able to hear their conversation.

"She doesn't need to know, Adam! So drop it." I hear Eli say.

"Clare needs to know this." Adam says. _Clare needs to know what? Please just say it Adam! _"Tell her now, she won't be too mad. Wait to tell her, and then she'll be pissed!"

"Or I could not just tell her at all." Eli says.

My jaw dropped. What was it he wasn't telling me? Is it something he did? Is it something with…me? I could tell that if it's really not worth telling me, then it's definitely not good.

The bell ring which makes me jump. I step out of my thoughts and start to media immersion. I start to a seat/medicine ball right next to Alli who is gesturing for me to sit by her. I sit down and almost fall off it because I was too busy in other thoughts to think about where I'm actually sitting on this thing.

Alli laughs. "Watch it Clare," She jokes. I just give her a look and look back to my computer. "What's wrong?" She asks me studying my face.

I shake my head. "There's something he's not telling me." I say.

She rolls her eyes. "Uh-oh," Alli says. "Don't break up again. That plan at the dance took a lot of hard work."

I look at Alli. "I wasn't planning on breaking up with him; I just need to know what it is he's hiding."

"Just…talk to him. Let him know that whatever it is, he can tell you."

I started to get nervous. "But what if it's something bad Alli? What if he's…" No, why did that thought ever cross my mind of him…cheating? No, he can't be. Me and Eli love each other.

Right?

I see on my screen an email from Reese. Gosh, why can't he leave me alone? I open it anyways, and see that it's an invitation to the ravine tomorrow. Wow, he's actually inviting me?

"Did you get an invite from Reese?" I ask Alli.

"No," She says like it's completely obvious. "Why, did he invite you to something?" She asks and I turn my computer to her. "Wow, someone doesn't know how to take a hint."

I look down. Why was I actually thinking about going? No, I didn't like Reese, but I was curious about being there. Sure, I was the third wheel for Alli that one day, but since I was with her, nothing interesting went on. But Reese's invite kind of made me curious.

Alli gives me a confused look. "You're not thinking about going are you?"

I give her a look and shake my head back and forth. "Of coarse not, why would you even think that?" I say nervously and look back at the screen.

At the bottom of the invite from him had his number. I think for a second and pull out my phone and put his number in my contacts just in case I plan on going, which I probably won't, but just in case…

The day went by faster than I thought it would and before I knew it, it was time for English class. Great, the class I wasn't looking forward to. I walk right in and take my seat quickly ignoring any signs of Eli. I rest my head down on my textbook and try and keep my eyes open. I shouldn't have stayed up so late…

I hear footsteps walk in and I see a backpack get thrown on the table in front of me. Great, Eli. I see hands fly in front of my face swinging back and forth. "Are you awake?" He jokes and sits on his desk. Not on the chair, on his desk facing me. I raise my head slowly and let out a small yawn. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

I shook my head. "Yeah, I just went to bed late."

"Ah-hah," He says, "Told you." He says and gives a wink and slides down in is seat as Ms. Daws walks in. _Please don't use your Eli charm on me right now! I'm trying to be mad at you! _

"Ok class," Ms. Daws starts. After that everything went into a blur as I rest my head back on my desk and my eyes shut closed. I found myself falling asleep, which made part of English class pass.

"_Why can't you just tell her?" _

"_She doesn't need to know." _

"_If you don't tell her now, she won't be as pissed if you tell her later." _

"_Or I can just not tell her at all." _

"Clare," I hear and feel someone tap on my arm. "Clare!" It was a loud whisper. I open my eyes to see Eli tapping my shoulder. He stops as he sees that I'm awake.

I lift my head up. "Thanks, Eli." I say to him.

"No problem." He says and drops a paper on my desk. "We have an assignment to do. By the way, did I ever tell you how cute you look while sleeping?" He jokes.

_Oh stop it Eli! Can't you see I'm trying to be mad at you? _Wow, I'm not doing that good of a job, so I laugh anyways. I pick up the paper and read it.

_Essay assignment: Write about an issue in society and what we can do to resolve it._

"You're kidding me!" I groan.

"Edwards," Ms. Daws says from her desk looking at me with an angry look. "Anything you'd like to share?"

"No ma'am." I scowl. She just rolls her eyes and continues writing on her paper.


	4. Chapter 4: Kick Ass

When there was about five minutes left during English class, Ms. Daws announced that we could talk, or work on our assignment. I look at my paper and notice that I only had about two sentences on my paper, so obviously I picked to work on my assignment, but Eli picked differently. He turns around to me. "You only have two sentences done?" He asks me.

I nod and sigh. _How we can resolve this…no, it's too early for that sentence. Should I write more about drug use in the area? I don't want to miss the concept of the assignment._

"Clare," Eli laughs. "You have all night to work on it, don't worry."

I shake my head off all the stress. "Right," I say closing my notebook. "I'm overreacting."

He studies my stressed out face. "What's up with you lately? Is it about your dad?"

I rest my head on my hand. "I'm just really stressed out lately," I answer. I wasn't going to tell him it's about his stupid secret that I can't concentrate, because then that would start a fight. I should probably just give it some time. Knowing how hard that would be with me being so impatient, was really freaking me out.

The bell rings and everybody gets up to gather their stuff together. "Finally," I say under my breath and get up to put everything in my backpack. I slide my last notebook into it and start to get up and leave.

"Clare," Eli says. He reaches out to stop me in my path. "Is something wrong?"

I give him a fake smile. "Nothing's wrong Eli." I tell him. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some algebra to get to…yay." I say sarcastically and leave. Eli knew something was up, and I really didn't like that he did…

The rest of the day went by fast and before I knew it, it was time to go home. _Finally. _Except now I have to face a painfully awkward ride home from Eli. Maybe I should talk to him then. I mean, he can't keep this secret of his from me forever.

Curiosity was killing me! Maybe I should just wait for him to tell me, I don't want to sound pushy. I walk to my locker and put my books inside it. While in the doing, I was trying to think of what his secret was. _Maybe he was an ex-bully, or he got into a bad prank at his old school. Or maybe he just partied a lot, or did drugs? _Or maybe I should just face it; maybe he's cheating…No he can't be!

"Edwards," I hear behind me. I kind of figured it would be Eli because he always meets me at my locker after school.

"Goldsworthy," I say not turning around and proceeding to keep putting my stuff in my locker.

"Goldsworthy," They say in a questionable tone. "I think you have the wrong person." This guy turns to the side of me and I see that it's…Reese.

I roll my eyes. "And I think that you have to wrong locker," I snap. "What do you want?"

"I did," I say. "But drug filled parties at the ravine aren't my thing."

He lifts his hands in a 'hey now' gesture. "Well," He starts as he slowly starts to walk away, still facing me. "If it was a party, I would've invited more than one person." He then turns around and walks away.

Hey now, what is he saying? Why would he think I, Clare Edwards, would ever hang out with him at the ravine? I roll my eyes at the thought and shut my locker, to see Eli and Adam walking down the hall in my direction.

_You're just going to have to grin and bare it for now, Edwards. _They finally reach me and give me a smile. "Hey guys," I say, trying to ignore the fact that Reese basically told me he liked me.

Adam looks behind him to see an angry Fitz. "Uh," He starts sounding nervous. "We'd better get going."

But it was too late. Fitz had already gotten up to Adam, picked him off his feet, and slams him into the locker next to mine. "You're dead, Torres!" He says growling through his teeth.

I see Eli start to step forward, but I push him back. This time, it's my turn to deal with Fitz because I've had enough of it.

I step forward to release Fitz grip off of Adam. "What are you doing?" Eli shouts behind me but I ignore him.

My arm was actually strong enough to release Fitz grip on Adam's shoulder. I step in front of Adam facing Fitz and he stands there with an angry look on his face. "Well if it isn't Little Saint Clare to the rescue." He says. It made me furious when people called me Saint Clare.

I wasn't going to take this. I lift my foot and it kicks right between the legs. He lets out a small an 'ouch!' and I grab his forehead and run him into the lockers on the other side of the hall. "I've been trying to let others handle your bullying but I am sick of it!" I yell still having him pinned to the lockers. "Just stay away from me, Adam, and Eli!"

"Or what?" He asks trying to sound intimidating.

"Or we're going to have a problem." I say quieter. "Because according to this," I point me, and then him. "You can easily be beat up by a girl. Even worse, you can easily be beat up by 'Little Saint Clare'." I push him against it one more time then let him go. His friends let out 'oooo's' and I brush my hands together and turn back to Eli and Adam with their jaws on the floor. "Let's go, shall we?"

I start to walk forward and notice Adam and Eli aren't beside me. I turn around and see them with their jaws still swung open. Adam finally laughs. "That was pretty kick-ass!" He says to me and runs up to give me a high-five. _Wow, that felt good telling off Fitz like that. _


	5. Chapter 5: Duplicity

Adam continues to walk with me until I realize that Eli isn't coming along with us. I turn around to him and it looked like he was trying to shake what just happened. "Are you coming?" I ask him.

He shakes his head. "Give me a second to process what just happened." He says and lets out a small 'hmmm'.

I laugh and walk over to him and grab his hand and start to pull him. "C'mon!" I say and I start to pull him out to his hearse. "I don't have all day."

He finally gets in his car and first drops off Adam because his house is on the way to my house. The whole time they went off about the look on Fitz's face when I nailed him to the locker, but I couldn't process what just happened. What HAS gotten into me? I always lectured Eli about getting involved with Fitz, and now look where I'm at?

Eli pulls up to my house. "Now, don't get in too much trouble, Clare." Eli jokes.

I just look down. "I'm not a hypocrite am I?"

"What?" He asks. "Why would you be a hypocrite?"

"Well, I always got on your case-

"Clare," Eli starts and turns his whole body to me. "Forget about that, okay? It doesn't matter."

When he said "forget about that" it made me think of his secret. The curiosity got the best of me. I had to know this secret. "That's it," I say raising my hands. "Eli, what is it you're not telling me?"

His face dropped as if I just scolded him. "What did you hear?" He asks.

My scared smile turns to an angry frown. "Wrong answer," I say and start to unbuckle my seatbelt to get out.

"Wait," Eli says and takes my arm to try and stop me. "Why do you think I'm hiding something?"

"Because," I start and stop for a second. I don't want to tell him I was snooping. I guess I really wasn't because I overheard and then had to know the rest. "I overheard you and Adam talking about not telling me something."

He sighs and looks out his window. "We're your house now, so" He says quieter.

"Eli," I say getting slightly annoyed. "Why can't you talk to me about this?"

"Because," He starts to raise his voice. Are we seriously fighting about this? "You know what?" He reaches over and unlocks my door. "We're at your house now."

I look at him and I was furious. Not only was I pissed that he wouldn't tell me, but now I'm starting to think that it's something bad. Something that he did that might end up being dangerous.

I raise my hands. "Alright," I say and swing open the door and step out. "If you're not able to tell me everything, then this," I say pointing to me, and then pointing to him. "Is over!" I say sternly and slam the door of his hearse.

He drives away without another word. I wanted to scream so badly!

I pull out my phone from my pocket and scroll on the touch screen in my contacts. I go down a few contacts from the R section and get to Reese's number.

I click open the menu and click the 'send a text option' and send him a text that says: _so, where's the ravine again? _

I stomp back in my house and see Darcy standing at the window and then looks at me nervously. "I wasn't snooping!" She blurts out. "But who died now?" She asks. She probably saw his hearse.

"My relationship," I say and walk upstairs. When I get upstairs I wanted to scream, but I held it in.

I get a text back from Reese that says: _Does that mean you're coming?_

I start to get annoyed again. I send a text back saying: _Just tell me where it is!_


	6. Chapter 6: A Huge Mistake

**Authors note: This is me being my fangirl self. Excuse me…**

**Ok, so last night's episodes? GAH! When Eli said "I can't be around you Clare, I like you too much." I screamed and my mom was like "what the hell is going on up there!" Ha-ha, you got to love my reactions to Eclare. Now we just have to wait until they ACTUALLY get together which is I'm hoping during All Falls Down. Erg, I'm sooo excited!**

**Oh, and also when he said "when I look at Clare all I can think about is getting her to kiss me!" I gasped. Not even kidding! I think season 10 is the best season so far because of Eclare! XD**

_Now for the story. Don't hate me guys. :/_

I run up the stairs and grab my sweater. I slip it around me and get a text from Reese saying where the ravine is and how far away it is.

I walk downstairs and start to head to the door. "Where are you going?" Darcy asks me.

I turn around to her. "I'm going for a walk."

I run out the door and stop at the step and look at my phone. It scared me a bit when he said in the text message _can't wait. _I didn't like Reese like that, but I just needed something to get my mind off of things.

I walk down to where Reese said it was and noticed Reese, and a few other people there.

He looks up and notices me standing there. "If it isn't Little Edwards," He says.

I roll my eyes and sit in the seat next to him, but not too close, because I don't want to give him the wrong idea.

"You know I hate it when people call me Little Edwards?" I told him.

He raises his hands in a 'jeez sorry' gesture. Someone hands him a can of beer and he cracks it open. "You want this?" He asks holding it out to me.

I give him a weird look. Who does he think I am? "You're kidding right?" I ask him.

He shakes his head. "Nope,"

I think for a minute as he still holds it out to me. He smirks as he sees me think and I take it. I hold it up and take a big gulp. It burned as it went down my throat which made me let out a huge cough. Reese laughs. "That's why you drink it slow," He says.

"Right," I say. "I didn't know." I say taking a very small sip.

I hear my alarm clock ring but I refused to do anything about it. I take my pillow and throw it at the alarm knocking over a lamp and apparently hitting Darcy. "Jeez Clare," She yells and throws it back.

"Stop," I say sitting up and holding my hurting head. "I don't feel good."

"What," She starts. "Did a little something when you snuck in late last night?"

"Snuck in late last night?" I ask confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I was awake, Clare," She says. "Don't lie to me."

I shake my head and let out the most pathetic lie, "I was at Alli's."

I get up and start to get ready for school and started thinking about what actually happened that night. All I could remember was taking a drink of Reese's drink and then it all was fuzzy. Is it true? Me, Clare Edwards, is hung-over?

I shake it off and try to forget all about that. My mom gives me another silent ride to school. All her car rides tend to be silent ever since my dad died, and I kind of like it that way. That way she doesn't always ask me about my day, or about my life. It makes me uncomfortable.

I walk in and go straight to my locker as usual, and tried to hide myself because I really didn't want to see Reese.

"Edwards," I hear. It sounded like…Reese.

"What could you possibly want now Reese?" I ask him a little too harshly.

"Jeez Clare," He says. "Not going to be nice to me today?" I look back into my locker and refuse to make eye contact. "You were pretty nice to me last night." He says.

My stomach dropped. "What?" I ask. "Reese, what happened last night?" I say and turn to him.

He smirks. "You don't remember?" He asks. I shake my head 'no' and he grins. "Let's just say," He holds up my arm and starts to take off my purity ring. "You don't need this anymore."

I snatch it back from him. "What the hell?" I say aggravated. "You're kidding, right?"

He raises his hands. "Would I kid about something like that?" He says and looks at me putting my ring back on my finger and he snatches it. "Prude!" He yells and holds it out of my reach.

I raise my hand up about the verge of tears trying to grab it back from him. "Give it back!" I yell to him and he still holds it out of my reach. "Reese!" I say. I realized the only way to do this was 'make' him give it back. I lift my foot and swing it right where the sun doesn't shine. He falls in pain as the ring drops to the floor. I pick it up, shut my locker and run away from him. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and run to the bathroom and lock myself in a stall. I stand there leaning against the door and start to cry. I couldn't believe this was happening. Did I really have sex with Reese at the ravine, or was he just jerking with me.

_In English Class_

It was a day for editing in English Class with our partners, which I wasn't excited for at all.

Eli looks over my paper for a while and I wait there patiently. He drops it back on the table. "You missed the concept of the assignment," He says calmly.

I scoff, "Who are you to criticize my work?" I ask harshly.

"I'm your English partner," He starts. "I'm supposed to criticize your work."

I got mad and picked up his work and make a quick skim through it. "Then your work is poorly worded and" I pause for a second and hand it back to him. "Could use a spelling check."

He rolls his eyes. "So I'm confused," He starts. "Did we break up last night?" He asks.

I become blank. "I don't know." I say.

He pauses. "Would you feel better if I told you everything?"

I give him an 'it's obvious' look. "Yes, I would." I say.

"Fine," He says. "Meet me after school at my car." The bell rings and we both get up without another word until the day was over.

I walked over to his hearse to see him leaning on it. I walk over to him and lean on it with him. "So, what is it?"

He gets off the car and points to his car. "Get in?"

I walk over to the passenger seat and get in. He drives off to a spot by the park and stops there after driving silently. "Well," I say. "I don't get it."

He takes a big sigh. "This is where I killed my girlfriend." He says refusing to look at me.

I got scared. He…killed his girlfriend. "What?" I ask nervously. I tried not to sound too shocked.

"We got into a fight, I said some things I shouldn't have said and it really upset her." He says sounding like he's on the verge of tears. "She rides off on her bike…She got hit by a car." He looks down at his lap and looks like he's trying to not cry.

It broke my heart hearing this. "Eli," I say. I found myself about to cry too. Seeing him like this made me feel horrible. "I'm so sorry."

He keeps his head down and nods. I start to feel horrible and put my hand on his. "I understand why you wouldn't want to talk about it. It's hard to loose someone." I say.

"Especially when it's your fault." He says and starts fiddling with his fingers. "'I just feel so stupid because I always mess things up."

"Hey," I say calmly and he looks at me. "Nobody's perfect."

He lets a week smile form on his face. "I guess." He says.

"I'm so sorry." I say again.

"Stop apologizing!" He says and smiles at me to show everything's ok and then turns back and looks out his window. "Well," He starts again. "I guess I should get you back home." He starts his car and then looks back at me and smiles. "I'm glad I got that off my chest."

I smile to him and he looks back at the front. Before the car could start moving forward I see him turn back to me again. I lean in and our lips meet. I felt so bad that he had to go through this.

We pull away and he grins. "So I guess that means we're good, right?" I laugh. "So that means there is no more secrets and I'm happy about that."

My face drops as he looks away. "Right," I lie. "No more secrets."


	7. Chapter 7: Crystal Clear

**Sorry for not updating very quickly, but here is your new chapter. **

**Another short chapter, but it keeps you on your toes. Sooo, yeah! Enjoy! **

**Review away, my loves! :) **

* * *

I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't tell if Reese was lying or not. Reese can do that sometimes, but I wasn't sure. I mean, it does feel like something happened, and it wasn't good. I started to come back to me. All I remember was spotting a van, but not knowing about it. I couldn't even begin to think about being…raped. No, I couldn't have been.

I had no idea, but I knew that I had to get to the bottom of this. I pull out my phone and figure out who to ask and figured, of course, the best person to ask was Reese. I decide to call him later and I walk downstairs.

I walk over to the fridge and pull out a can of pop even though it was ten o'clock in the morning. I close the fridge and notice a note that says: _We didn't want to wake you, but we went to breakfast. We will see you when we get back. Love, mom. _

I figured this was the best time to call Reese. I pick up the phone and dial his number and he answers quickly. Before he can say anything, I say "Ok, you're not just messing with me about last night, right?"

He laughs. "Do I need to spell it out for you?"

"This isn't the time to be joking around Reese!" I practically yell.

"Look, you were completely wasted. You were asking for it."

"Asking for it?"

I hear a key turn the lock of the front door and the door swings open. I quickly shut my phone and slide it in my pocket. "We're back, Clare." My mom says.

I sit there on the couch trying to process what just happened. I let the tears fall down my face and run upstairs.

"Clare!" Darcy yells out and I run up the stairs and lock myself in the bathroom and look in the mirror. I don't look like I'm not a virgin. I look like the same old Clare. I take the hand towel and wipe the tears off my face.

_Knock, knock. _"Clare," I hear. "It's Darcy. I know you're in there." I start to open the drawers to look through. I didn't know what I was looking for, I just needed…something. I look and look and finally find something that caught my eye…Scissors? I pick them up to see what I could do with these.

_Knock, knock. _"Clare!" That made me jump which made the scissors fall out of my hand and on to the floor which made them make a noise. "What's going on in there?"

"What?" I start. "A girl can't go to the bathroom in peace?" I yell. "God." Wow, I've never said god's name in vain. I lean over and pick up the scissors and put them back in the drawer. I'm not done here…

I step out of the bathroom and see Darcy standing there looking concerned. "What?" I ask her and walk away. I could feel her holes burning into the back of my head, but I ignored them and went into my room. I turn on my TV and try to remember what happened that night. I remember seeing the van, and wondering what it was for. But then, it all hit me.

"_What's the for?" I ask Reese. I whip his hand out from around my shoulders. _

"_You're not serious…" He starts. I give him a nod showing that I am serious, and he does need to answer my question. I start to feel dizzy and put my hand on my head. I was out of my mind drunk._

"_Wow, you're completely wasted, aren't you?" He asks with a laugh in his voice. _

_I start to get up and fall back down. _

"_Here," He says. "Why don't you just sit back down?" He says and tries to help me up. _

_I started to think about what the van was really for. I had an idea, and it drew me in. I look up to him and put on a sinister grin._

_He looks at me too. "You want to see the van, don't you?" _

_I didn't want to say no, but I knew it shouldn't be what I'm going for. But yet, I couldn't say no. I nod my head and he chuckles. He points to it. "Ladies first." _

_I walk over stumbling a bit and opened the door and went in. It smelled like smoke and alcohol which made me feel sick. I look around and see packs of condoms on the ground and I look back at Reese and started to see double. _

"_Now you know what this is for, right?" He asks. _

_I shake it off and realize that I'm being a baby feeling scared. "Yeah," I say. "I know." _

I shake out of my faults and start to breathe hard. I put my hand on my head and notice the room started to spin and it felt like I was going to throw up.

Darcy swings open the door. "Ok, I want to know what's up with you." She studies my face more and notices I looked petrified. "What's wrong?" She asks sounding concerned.

I shake my head. "I need some air." I say and grab my coat and run out my bedroom door then out the front door. I sit down on the front steps and cry until I notice my mom's car start to drive up to the house so I take off down the road to go somewhere I can just be alone. I run off a few blocks and notice the park I used to go to. It was a big park with a large pond about in the middle of it. Nobody was there so it was perfect. I walk down there and sit on the grass right by the pond. I watch the fountain spew around in its pretty pattern of water and get my thoughts out. I look down at my hand and notice I still had my purity ring on. There was no reason for keeping it now.

I take it off my finger, stand up, and chuck it into the pond. I stand there for a second and watch the ripple effect go off in the water. I sit back down and start to feel the tears drop down my face and think about my life and how I really screwed myself over. I wipe off a tear on my face and after a few minutes of looking in the pond, my phone goes off.

I pull it out of my pocket and see Eli is calling me. I take a deep breath and answer the phone. "Hey Eli," I say and wipe another tear off my face.

"My parents left the house to me for the night and I have a whole shelf of scary movies, you in?" He asks.

I figured, you know, why not? I could use some time with Eli to get my mind off of things. "Sure," I say. "I'll be right there." I say and hang up the phone. I look out to the pond and know my ring is gone for good now.


	8. Chapter 8: Ways To Be Scared

**Hey guys, sorry for all those really, really short chapters. They are bugging the crap out of me too, so I'm going to put more effort into the chapters. So here y'all go. Hope you like it! This chapter is a little more intense than any of the other chapters. And even though that is hardly possible, I made it happen. So I hope you guys like it. (:**

I knock on Eli's door and he quickly answers. "That took longer than I expected."

I make a face that says 'I'm about to make fun of you' "Sounds like you were waiting around for me." I say to him.

He laughs and gestures for me to come in. I've never really been in his house before, but his family looked like they were loaded.

"What," He starts. "Not what you expected?"

I shake my head. "Not at all," I say. "I was expecting maybe-

"A trash can?" Eli jokes.

I laugh. I look around and see a huge flat screen TV. "So, is this what we are going to be watching it on?"

"No," He says. "We are going to be watching it in the bigger screen down in the basement."

"There's a bigger screen?" I say. He shrugs acting like it's no big deal and starts to walk down the stairs. "I am officially jealous of you, Eli." I joke and follow him downstairs which looked like his very own house.

"This is the basement," He says. "AKA, my room."

My eyes widen to see everything from a mini fridge, to a couch right in front of the TV. "Wow," I say. "And I have to share a small room with my sister while she's in town!"

He laughs. "It's not that special." He opens a door to a closet by the huge TV that had tons of movies in it. He started tossing them one by one on the couch and he comes out with a few in his arms and drops them on the couch. "Ladies choice." He gestures to the pile of movies and I look through them. He seriously did have every scary movie under the sun. I was pretty impressed by his variety.

I change the subject. "So, how did you talk your parents into getting all this?" I gesture to the room and then go back to looking at all the movies on the couch.

He shrugs. "I don't know. I think they just gave it to me so I don't annoy them as much."

I laugh and say sarcastically. "Eli? Annoying? I've never heard of such a thing."

He laughs. "You've been hanging around me too much, haven't you?"

I playfully roll my eyes and look back down at the movies and make my choice: Paranormal Activity. Even though it wasn't really that much of a scary movie to me, I always thought it was a good movie. I hand him it and he nods. "Excellent choice, Edwards." He says and proceeds to put the movie in. "I've actually never seen this movie all the way through." He says.

"What," I joke. "Too scared to?"

"Psh," He starts sarcastically. "Right, because I haven't seen anything scarier."

**Eli's POV**

I walk over to her. "I haven't seen you in a while," I say. "Where's my hello?" I grab her hand and lean in to kiss her until I noticed something was missing. I run my finger across her knuckle and notice that she wasn't wearing any ring. I hold up her hand. "Where's your ring?"

She makes a pouty grin. "No hello?" She says.

I give her a confused look. "Wha-, that doesn't matter right now. Where is it?"

I let go of her hand and she holds it up to her face and looks at it. "It must have fallen off or something."

_Must have fallen off? _I can safely say what the hell.

"Why are you trying to talk about things that don't matter?" Clare says and gives a sinister smile. She takes the bowl of popcorn from the table that I already set out and holds it up to me. "Popcorn?"

I pause and wipe a frown on my face. "Clare," I say. "You used to guard that ring with your life, and now you are saying that it doesn't matter?" I say and her grin fades. "Eli..."

She stops right there and I start to get scared. "Is there something you aren't telling me Clare?" She laughs. "Wow, this sounds familiar, huh?" She says.

I raise my voice. "Clare!" I say. "Answer my question!"

Her smile fades and now she started to look angry. "It's nothing Eli! When I said it doesn't matter, I meant it." She pauses to look at me intensely. "It. must. Have. Fallen off." She walks over to the couch and takes the remote and presses play. "Let's just watch this movie, shall we?"

I get confused. "Clare-

"You know what," Clare says and stands up from the couch. "I didn't come here to argue," She starts looking angry again. "But if you want to then I can just go!"

"Clare," I say. I didn't want to raise my voice, but it just happened. "If it doesn't matter then you wouldn't make such a big deal talking about it."

She takes a step closer, but not in a good way, more of an intimidating way. "I should be saying that to you, Eli." She says with her eyes narrowed and her voice lowered.

"Clare," I say sounding more sincere. "I just want to know what's wrong."

She starts to look like she's about to cry. "Oh my god!" She yells, which surprised me. One, she never said god's name in vain, and two, she started to sound like she was actually starting to cry, plus, I wasn't expecting her to yell. "Why every time we do something it turns to an argument!" She says.

"Clare," I say calmly trying to calm her down. "I'm not trying to argue ok?"

I see tears actually stream down her face this time. "Then why do you think something is wrong!" She yells again.

"Because," I raise my voice again, ignoring the fact that I'm trying to calm her down. "You're standing her crying when I'm just trying to talk to you!"

She raises her hands and slaps them back down on her sides. "Eli," She yells. "Nothing's wrong with me!" She crosses her arms and shakes her head and says quieter. "Maybe I should just go." She says and starts to walk up the stairs. I didn't stop her because I thought she needed some time alone. She at least deserved that.

I didn't know what it was, but I wasn't going to force it out of her.

**Clare's POV**

I stomped out of Eli's house and then into the street to bring myself back home. I found myself in the middle of the street, but ignored the fact that I may get hit by a car. I found myself crying even harder than I was when all my thoughts went back to everything in my life.

Before I came to Degrassi, my life was very surreal. Since I was at a private school, nothing really bad happened to me. Everyone was good, everyone followed the rules, and everything was how it was supposed to be.

So now, here I am. Crying in the middle of the street, hating myself. I always thought that things would be different when I met Eli, but in a good way. Of course, I was wrong about that. Loving Eli as much as I do scares the crap out of me! I mean, I love him so much that the thought of losing him kills me a bit. Cheesy, I know. But it's true. I mean, Eli has been so good to me. Even when he did all that crazy stuff with Fitz, I still loved him. I just hate getting hurt. Like what happened with KC…That hurt me so badly. I keep reminding myself that I didn't love KC though, I've just never really hurt like that before KC. I'm just glad to know that Eli would never leave me for some blonde cheerleader, and that he cares about me. He knows that I don't want him chasing after me right now, because he just knows me that well. I'm really glad that he didn't come chasing after me though, because then I would be even more pissed off than I am now.

I thought for a moment and realized I wasn't pissed off…I was just scared to death. All these things that have happened to me are…well…scaring me. Losing Eli, my dad's death, and of coarse, Reese…I started to think about what really happened that night and I don't remember how it felt, and how it was supposed to feel. Was I really that stupid? Was I really that drunk that I only remember before it? I looked at my hand reminding myself how stupid I am, and then set it back down.

_Honk. _I hear behind me and then car lights flashing. I look back and run quickly to the sidewalk as the car drives by. I stand there, petrified, staring at the street. Right then, it started to rain, and also right then, I didn't want to go home. The rain felt good on my face, it was like they were washing away the tears. I shake my head and start to walk forward. I can't stay outside forever. Besides, it was starting to get cold, and I might get hyperthermia. Yes, it was that cold; it was almost winter. I start walking slowly forward with the hood of my thin sweatshirt up that was hardly helping considering the rain just soaked through my sweater.

I hear a car pull up to where I was which scared me. I turn to see a hearse with Eli in the driver's seat. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I've never been this happy to see Eli in my life. He steps out of the hearse and walks in front of me. He examined and probably saw that I was shivering. He opens his passenger door and takes out a sweatshirt and puts it around my shoulders without a word. He then turns and looks at me for a moment. He looked so…sad. I've never seen him like this. We both stand their looking at each other with sad faces. My tears started to build up in my eyes and I started to bawl looking at Eli. He frowned and pulled me into his shoulder and I cried into it. He didn't say a word, because he probably knew that I didn't want to start talking about what happened that really happening. I then pull my face up from his shoulder and he wipes a tear from my face. "Let me get you home," He says.

I shake my head. "I'm perfectly capable of walking Eli," I barely let out, wiping another tear from my face.

"Clare," He says. "It's almost thirty degrees! You're going to freeze out here!" He yells, but this time, I knew he was just concerned.

He reaches out to pull me so I could get into his car but I back away from his distance. "I don't care!" I practically yell and start to cry more.

"Clare!" He says and then I fall into his arms again and start sobbing even harder. "I'm just going to take you home, ok? I can't let you walk home."

I then give in and nod my head. He puts his around my shoulder and opens the passenger door and I climb into it. He closes the door and I stand there still sniffling from crying. He gets into the drivers seat and drives off with no words to be said. I stare out the window the whole time and occasionally take a glance at Eli to see his face completely blank.

We pull up to my house and nobody is hope. That was a huge relief though. "Well," He says blankly. "We're here." He looks at me and looks concerned.

"Thanks," I choke and take his sweatshirt off my shoulders and hand it to him. He takes it and tosses it in the backseat.

I start to open the door and Eli stops me by saying "Clare," I turn around to him. "You don't have to explain, ok?" He puts his hand on mine. "Just get some rest ok?" He says one last time. I give him a weak smile and then step out of the car and watch him drive away. I step back into my house and see the house is empty. I step over to the kitchen to see if there was any note of some kind.

Mom and Darcy went to my grandma's without me, so I was left home alone all night. I didn't mind them doing things without me, because then I could just be by myself. I agree with my conscience that I shouldn't have done that to Eli, and that every time we do something I always have to open my big mouth and make it go wrong. I shake my head and the tears scatter when I do that. I figured I needed to get my mind off things, so I pull out my iPod and plug it into the speakers in my room. I turn it on shuffle and the first song that pops up is Hotblack - Oceanship. I love that song, but listening to it always made me cry. I lay down on my bed and quietly listen to the song. Whenever they said "It's a mad, mad world" my heart started to race. Why did my life have to be so complicated?


	9. Chapter 9: Just Checking In

**Thanks for the lovely reviews. They are what I keep writing for. So we all know the last chapter was really, really intense. So I hope you guys like this intense chapter also. I'm trying now to make them not so short anymore. 800 words is not good for a chapter, some are even only one, ONE PAGE! That's not good, is it? So I hope you guys like this chapter. I'm trying to make these chapters more intense, and I'm going to split some storylines into two because I want MORE chapters, and I don't really want to end this story. **

**Also, a little heads up. I've been getting a lot of suggestions from the scissors scene…I'm just letting you guys know that that is going to fit in here somehow. I will make it fit, I promise. (: It's probably going to be soon. Maybe in this chapter maybe? **

**I just didn't want to make it sooo…Ordinary. There are a lot of stories out there with self destruction storylines, and some people are saying that that storyline is overly used…So I'm just going to tell you this now: This is DEFFINATLY going to be original. I promise you! (:**

**I'm rambling…Here you go now.**

Eli's POV

I really hope Clare is ok…I didn't know what was up with her. It could still just be her dad, but it's been a few weeks or so since that happened, you would think she would feel better by now. What am I thinking? I'm a guy! Girls are more emotionally challenged than us. I need to learn to be more sensitive.

Yes, I chose to go after Clare. I couldn't just let her walk home in almost freezing weather, and it was raining too. I guess I'm an overall good guy, looking over Clare like that. I love her to death, so I need to look out for her.

I pull up to Clare's house. I wanted to know if she was ok. It was killing me. I walk up the steps and knock on the door and a girl, she looked older than me and looked like she about out of high school.

She grins. "You must be Eli," She laughs. "I'm Darcy." She says.

"Nice to meet you," I laugh nervously. "Is Clare here?" I ask her.

"It's Saturday, so she usually sleeps all day." She points to the stair case. "If you want to go wake her up, be my guest." She says. She gestures for me to come in and I take a step and she closes the door. "Her room is the first door you see when you walk up the stairs."

I give a polite grin. "Thanks," I say and head up the stairs to the first door I see. I knock on the door. "Clare?" There was no response. I knock again just to make sure. "Clare…" I say again. _Why the hell isn't she answering? _I slowly open the door, hoping I'm not thinking she's just sleeping really well or something like that. It creaks open and I see that the room had two beds and no one in sight. That's strange. I look around then find my foot crunching on something. I lift it up and see broken glass under it. I look around a bit confused and see that there is a broken lamp knock off, supposedly on the night stand it was laying by. _What the hell? _Clare was still nowhere to be seen.

"Is it the door on the left?" I yell downstairs to Darcy.

"Yes!" She yells back up. Ok, so I'm not in the wrong room.

"Oh, then I went into the wrong one. Sorry!" I lie. I turn my head a few more times to see if I'm just imagining that she's not there. Nope, she wasn't there. I was starting to get worried.

I walk back down the stairs to see Darcy sitting on the couch changing the channels. "Did you find the room?" She asks not looking up from the TV.

"Yeah, but she was sound asleep. I probably shouldn't wake her up." I say and leave as quickly as possible. I stop at the steps and pull out my phone to call her. It rings two times, and then it goes straight to voice mail. Ok, so she's ignoring my calls, she's not at home, and there is a broken lamp on the floor of her room?

I started to get really worried, and hopped into my car and drove to a few places that I thought I could find her at.

Clare's POV

I see my phone vibrate and see its Eli. I didn't want to talk to him, so I pressed the ignore button. For some reason, I wanted him wondering. I wanted him worried, but yet, I didn't want to tell him what was really going on. I couldn't tell him that I had sex at the ravine, and I couldn't tell him that that's what's been bothering me.

I walk over to our storage shed and sit down in the dark room. I turn on the light switch and see the boxes filled with old pictures and other stuff I like that. I pull out a packet that said: "Clare 9th grade year." I open the packet and slide out the pictures. The first one I saw was me, in my old school uniform, standing by a bus with my text book in my hand. I remember that. I refused to wear anything but my uniform. I guess I just didn't like change…and that really shows now.

I slip that one to the back of the pile and then the next picture was me and Alli standing outside our classroom with our arms around each other's shoulders and being silly. I missed those days. Grade 9 was probably my easiest year before KC. But really, when we were just friends, it wasn't too complicated. You know teenagers; it's hard to just be friends with a guy without having feelings. Except for Conner, I thought of him just as a friend.

I pull out a picture that probably got mixed in there from this year. It was a picture of Alli dancing in front of everyone and me jumping in with her. I smiled. I really miss those days. The days where everything was easy, and I didn't have to deal with this drama.

I pull out my iPod and put the headphones in my ears. I put in on shuffle again because I can never pick a song to listen to. The song that comes on is "Tired Of You-The Exies." The song made me stop and listen.

_I'm tired of breathing, tired of feeling, tired of looking at the past for meaning. I'm tired of running, tired of searching, tired of trying, but I'm not tired of you. _Wow, this song really summed up my life really. I was tired of everything, but I wasn't tired of the people around me. It made me think of Eli. I shouldn't have ignored his call. Maybe I should call him back.

I take the headphones out of my ears, even though I really didn't want to, and take out my phone out of my pocket and call Eli. I hold it up to my ear and wait for him to answer. As the phone rings, I start to conceal things to say. I always had trouble apologizing, even though I really shouldn't…

After it rings a few times, he finally answers. He sounded scared. "Clare," He says sounding angry. "Where the hell are you?"

I look confused. "What are you talking about?" I ask him.

"I came over this morning and you weren't there. I'm worried."

I shake my head and smile a bit. I was glad that he cared about me. "I'm fine," I say weakly. "I'm here now."

He sighs in relief. "Where were you?"

I start to get a blank look on my face and say nervously, "I've been here, I've just been in my backyard thinking."

"…I just wanted to know if you were ok."

I smile. "I'm fine Eli."

"Good," His voice lightens up.

"Eli," I blurt out. "Sorry I've been acting weird." I continue. "I've just been going through a lot."

"I know," He says. "You're dad must be really affecting you. I can't imagine how hard that's been for you…I'm really sorry, Clare."

I look down and get choked up. "You have no idea," I barely let out.

"So," He changes the subject. "Have you found your ring yet?"

My heart fell to the pit of my stomach. "Uh," I start nervously. "Not yet."

"That's too bad." He says.

"Actually, I was just looking for it." I lie. "Yeah, I think it's gone for good."

He pauses for a second. "Well, I'm going to get going." He says. "I'll see you Monday."

I was so relieved he didn't ask anything about it. "Bye." I say and we both hang up.

He had no idea…


	10. Chapter 10: The First Cut Is The Deepest

I walk in through the backdoor and Darcy gives me a weird look. "I thought you were asleep," She says and then looks back at the TV.

"Yeah," I say and shut the back door. "I was."

"Eli dropped by. He said that you were sound asleep when he got here."

My stomach drops. Gosh, I hate lying. "Yeah," I say. "Well I didn't know. I must have been really tired I guess." I say and then walk over to the couch. "Darcy, I have a question…It's kind of serious."

She turns to me, then turns back to the TV and shuts it off. "Ok," She says and turns her whole body to me. "What's on your mind?"

I look down and start to fiddle with my hands again. I tend to do that when I'm nervous. "When you um…" I start, trying to make out the words. "A few years ago…" I looked at her and I think she knew what I was talking about…I was talking about her being raped.

"Yeah," She says quietly. "I know what you're talking about." She said and gestured for me to continue.

"Uh-" I start having a hard time to ask her this. "When you…hurt yourself…Where you trying to kill yourself?"

She looks down and looks like she really didn't want to talk about it. "I'm sorry," I start. "I shouldn't have asked." I say.

"No," She starts sounding a little more comfortable. "It's ok." She continues. "I guess I wasn't trying to kill myself…I just wanted to feel something you know? As cheesy as this sounds, that whole thing made me feel numb. I really didn't know how to feel and what to feel, so I think that that just got the better of me, and well, I had to feel something. Also, at the time, hurting physically hurt a lot less than emotionally."

I nod my head, understanding what she was saying. "That makes sense…" I say quietly.

"Why?"

I shrug. "It just kind of crossed my mind."

She nods. "Well are you ok?"

I nod. "Yeah," I lie. "I'm just fine." I get up from the couch. "I'm going to go upstairs." She nods her head and then I go upstairs.

What Darcy said was wrapping up a few things that I was questioning. I wanted to feel something, I just didn't know what. I didn't feel a thing. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel angry. I didn't feel anything. Scared mostly, but that's beside the point. The point is that I need to feel something.

I step into the bathroom and look through the drawers and see those scissors that I was thinking about before. _Should I do it? No. I can't, but it would make me feel so much better to have me feel something. _I stared in the mirror for a second, scissors in hand. I took a good look at myself and knew that I wasn't Clare Edwards anymore. I wasn't a pure girl, I wasn't a happy girl. I wasn't Clare. So why would I be ruining something that isn't there.

I slide the scissors open and take another good look at myself. _This what you've resulted to, Clare? _I know I'm going to regret it later, but it needs to be done. I take a deep breath and hold my arm out. _Clare, don't do this, _goes my conscience says. I ignore it, and quickly slit my arm anyways. The pain made the scissors drop to the floor and I take the hand towel and press it on my bleeding arm. _So this is how it feels, huh? _

The next day came quicker than I thought it would. I wake up and realize it's barely light out. I look at the time and notice that it was only 4:00 in the morning. Why was I waking up this early? I never want to wake up that early. I walk downstairs and turn on the TV and flip through the channels. Of course there was nothing on, it was four in the frickin' morning! I walk over to the kitchen and see if there was anything for breakfast. I look through the fridge…nothing. What am I doing anyways? I'm not hungry.

I sit back down and look at the blank screen on the TV. I kind of liked the quiet; it was soothing.

The quiet made me start to think about what happened last night. I pull up my long sleeve shirt and see the cut that I made. It was terrifying to see, but I knew that this was real, and that I can't take it back.

The rest of the day went by slowly. My sleeves almost got caught on so many things, but I managed to hide the cut as best as I could. For some reason though, I couldn't stop cutting my arm. Every time I thought of something bad, all I wanted to do was do that again. It's like it was a habit. A really bad habit.

Before I knew it, Monday came, and I wasn't ready for it. I really didn't want to go back to school because I had way too much on my mind.

My mom pulls up to the school and says her goodbye's and I step out. I walk into to school and the first thing that happens, I run right into Eli. Of course it had to be Eli.

He looks at me and laughs. "Why does this always keep happening?" He jokes. I laugh weakly. "How are you holding up?" He asks me.

"Fine," I let out.

"Good," He starts. "Because," He reaches into his pocket and holds out something that looks like a…ring? He grins and hands it to me. I look at it, and it looked exactly like my old purity ring. "Since you couldn't find it, I thought that it would be nice to get you a new one."

He hands it to me and I hold it in my hand. "Thanks," I say weakly and look down at it for a few moments.

"What?" Eli starts.

I shake my head. "Nothing," I start. "It's just…I can't take this."

Eli laughs. "Of coarse you can," He says and lightly pushes my hands back to me.

"No, Eli…I really can't."

He looks at me confused. "Why?"

I open my mouth to say something, but before I could, someone interrupts me. "Well if it isn't little Miss Edwards," I hear behind me.

Eli looks over my shoulder and so do I. Man, its Reese. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Go away Reese," I say timidly.

"Why," He says and steps between me and Eli. "Don't want me to meet your boyfriend?" He smirks.

Eli looks at me. "What is he talking about?" He asks me.

"Nothing," I say calmly and look back at Reese with a death glare. "And now he needs to leave," I say directing to Reese.

He rolls his eyes and gasps sarcastically. "You didn't tell him?" He says trying to sound shocked.

"Tell me what!" Eli says sounding angry.

I look back at Eli and back at Reese. "Please," I plea.

Reese smirks and looks over at an angry Eli. "Clare and I did some stuff."

"Reese!" I scream out witch caused a huge scene in the middle of the hallway.

Reese just kept smirking. I felt tears build up and I looked back at Eli who looked like he was about to cry too. "You mean-" He barely lets out.

"Ohhh yeah," Reese says sounding proud of himself. I felt the tears fall down my face. I look up at Reese and then to the floor, and then back at Eli who looked furious. Reese grins. "Your girl is wild." He says and then walks away.

I look down feeling so ashamed of myself. I refused to look at Eli for a while, but when I did, his eyes looked watery. "When?" He simply asks.

I look up at him and choke up saying my words. "It was after we got into that fight," He puts his hands on his head and starts to pace around. "I didn't know if we broke up or not, I was confused!" I yell still crying.

"What," He starts yelling. "So that's what your confusion leads to!" He basically yells and I could see that everyone went to class. Thank goodness.

I start to cry even harder. "Eli," I plea. "Please."

He looks out the window and I saw a tear stream down his face. He holds out his hand and I knew exactly what he wanted: The ring. I cry more setting the ring in his hand. He holds it in his hand and looks at me with his angry eyes and he walks away without another word. As he walks away he walks by a trashcan and without even stopping, he throws the ring in there and stomps off.

I stand there in the empty hallway and start to cry even more. I fall back onto the lockers and slide down which left me crying in my knees. I look up and then wipe the tears on my face and reach into my bag and push through stuff to see my scissors that I brought to school just incase I "needed" them. I stand up and step into the bathroom and slit my arm a few more times. I didn't care how much it hurt, this day was horrible.

**Not the longest chapter in the world, but hey, it works. (:**

**So who else agrees that this chapter really brought out Clare? I think it did. **

**I just want to dedicate this story to my late night girls. I love you guys! **

**-Amanda.**

**PS: I know I've been updating a lot lately, it's to make up for when I went that really long time with not updating. You're welcome. (: **


	11. Chapter 11: Yes Or No

Eli POV

_Stop crying Eli, you wimp. _I couldn't look at Clare the rest of the day. Just thinking about her hooking up with that loser gives me chills, really. I was starting to get the feeling that Reese took advantage of her which pissed me off. Reese has a reputation, and I don't know how someone as innocent as Clare would be involved with a guy like that.

I shake my head and walk forward out to the hearse after a depressing day of school until I saw an unpleasant surprise.

Reese.

I let the anger get the better of me and I stepped forward to him. "Who do you think you are?" I basically yell in his face.

He laughs. "You're just not going to let this go are you?" He says sarcastically.

I couldn't laugh, I just couldn't. "Shut up," I said. "I know you've done a lot of things, but this is the lowest of low."

He laughs again. "I did nothing wrong. She came to me."

"But you took advantage of her!"

He looks off and then looks back at me with a more serious face. "You know," he starts, "You've got guts, emo boy."

I laughed at that. "You really think you scare me?" I say. He starts to look like he knew what he was dealing with.

…Not being cocky or anything…

He doesn't say anything. "Just," I start. "Stay away from Clare."

He puts on a sinister grin. "I'll try my best." He says obviously sarcastically and walks away.

Yes, I still did care about Clare enough to stick up for her, but yet, I feel that I can't forgive her for not only having sex with Reese, but also for actually going to the ravine and getting wasted and then having sex with Reese. The thought was horrible, just horrible!

It was still hard looking at her.

I climb into my car and drive on home in the rain. I frickin' hate the rain. It rains here in about thirty degree weather which I really don't get.

The whole entire day I tried to not think about Clare, but it just happened. I couldn't get her out of my mind. I know what she did was wrong, but I was having a hard time getting over her. I'm so weak…

**A few days later.**

I drive up to Adam who is walking with his thin coat and shivering. He looks at me and sighs in relief. "Thank god, Eli!" He says and gets into the passenger seat. I sit there for a few moments and he studies my angry face. "Uh oh…" He starts. "What now?" He says and runs his hand threw his soaking hair.

I shake my head. "It's just not right!" I say. "Why Reese?"

He smirks. "Almost sounds like you're jealous."

I shake my head. "Clare has principals, Adam. One of which being no sex before marriage and there she goes and has sex before marriage! Worst of all…She was wasted when she did it. She probably broke almost all of the ten deadly sins in one week, Adam."

Adam shakes his head. "She's hurting Eli," Adam says. "I mean, her dad, her family going through a divorce before that…It's a lot to go through."

"Adam that's not just it," I say. "I had to hear it from Reese. I mean, if she would've came to me and told me I would've been the slightest bit more understanding about it."

"Would you Eli?" Adam says sarcastically. "Would you really? We both know what Clare did was wrong…Heck, even Clare knows what she did was wrong, but no matter how you would've found out, you would still freak out about it."

I give him a weird look. "I know you, Eli." Adam says. "You would've still been mad about it." I don't say anything and me turns his head. "Don't lie."

I sigh. "I guess…I'm just still mad that she couldn't come and talk to me about it."

Adam nods his head. "I've never gone through this…But it's probably hard to talk about. Also, she probably just wanted to forget it, but we all know Reese is an ass, so that probably was hardly possible."

I laugh. "Thank you oh-wise-oh Adam." I joke which really lightened my mood. He laughs and I drive off to drop him off at his house.

Clare's POV

"Wait," Alli says as we sit on my bed. No one was home, so we could talk about this. "So you're sure you had sex with Reese."

I shake my head weakly. "Positive…"

"But you said you couldn't remember it."

I felt a tear fall down my face. "I remember it…It wasn't 'magical' it wasn't what everyone wants…It was horrible."

She puts her hand on my shoulder for comfort. "That's because you weren't ready." She says. "Remember what I had to go through?"

I nod my head. "I remember," I say. "That's also another reason why I had to come to you to talk about this."

"Well you're not…" She starts but pauses like she was going to say something serious. "Pregnant…are you?"

I felt another tear fall down my cheek when she said that. "I'm pretty sure I'm not."

"Well, do you want to make sure? How long has it been?"

I choke out my words. "About two weeks."

"Well, do you want to get a pregnancy test?"

I look down. I can't believe I'm actually scared of being…_pregnant. _"Will you come with me?"

She nods her head. "Well," She says and starts to get up. "We better get there and get back before your mom and Darcy get back."

I nod slowly and get up. Alli looks at me one last time. "Whatever happens," She starts. "I'll be here for you. Ok?"

I nod my head one last time and I get my coat and we walk out the door and to the pharmacy.

Eli's POV

When I got home, I thought of a few things. Did I really made the right choice to walk away from Clare, or do I need to be there for her? Of course I knew I needed to be there, but the question was; can I handle it? It was hard looking at her, so it's going to be really hard to help her, but I think I need to do it.

Also, another question, what if Clare was pregnant? I couldn't even think about that without scaring myself to death. I know it wouldn't be mine, but it scared me to think about Clare just being pregnant in general. I know Clare is a bit unstable when it comes to her emotions, so I could barely think about what it would be like for her to actually have a baby.

I need to talk to her…

I pull out my phone and call her number. It rings a few times and then she picks up.

"What do you want Eli?" She asks in a cold tone.

"I just wanted to know if you were okay," I tell her honestly.

"…I don't know." She says quietly.

"What?" I got scared and thought I should ask. "You're not…"

"Pregnant?" She finishes my sentence. "I'm just about to figure that out."

"Did he use protection?"

"I don't know, Eli. That's why I'm making sure."

"So…You don't remember anything?"

She pauses. "No." She stops for a second and I hear Alli say something in the background. "I'll let you know how it goes." She finishes and then hangs up.

I was really starting to get worried.

**I know you guys hate me for the cliff hanger. :P **


	12. Chapter 12: Wanting To Believe In You

**Sorry guys, you are going to hate the ending of this chapter. :( . Oh, and next time, give me a chance before telling me what to do. **

* * *

Clare's POV

I hang up the phone and look back at Alli.

She closes her eyes. "I'm nervous."

My stomach turns into knots. "You're nervous?" I tell her. "Think about how I feel."

I take a deep breath and pick up the test. When I saw the negative sign, my heart stopped in a good way. I let out a large sigh in relief.

"What?" Alli says and runs over to me and looks over my shoulder at the test strip that said negative.

I set it down and look at her. We pause for a minute but then I let out a small tear of joy and she pulls me into a hug.

"I am so relieved," I say. She lets go and looks at me with relief in her eyes.

I pull out my phone. "I better tell Eli," I say.

She grabs my arm and pulls down my phone. "Why?" She asks coldly.

"Because he wanted to know how it went," I say to her obviously.

"But he broke up with you," She says. "You're not pissed off about it at all?"

My face falls and reminds me to that day he looked devastated and sad. I look back at Alli and sigh. "I'm just going to tell him how it went." I say and hold up my phone and start to dial. As it rings I think about how I really do still love Eli, but I didn't want him to know it.

"Hello," I hear the phone pick up witch scared me a bit.

"Hey Eli," I say.

"So, how did it go?" He asks nervously. Before I could say anything, he starts to speak again. "Before you tell me what happens, I just want to say that whatever it is, I'm sorry. I'm going to help you through this."

I hesitate and couldn't make out any words. I didn't know if I would be happy or just nervous that if I say that it was negative, he wouldn't stick around. But if I said it was positive, he would "help me through this."

"Eli," I start. "…It was…" I hesitate, "Positive!" I blurt out.

"What?" Alli says in the background. I lift my finger shushing her.  
Eli didn't say anything, and I started to think he wasn't there. "Uh," I start. "Hello?"

"Uh," He starts. "Really?" He asks as if I didn't believe my words.

"Yeah…" I lie. "I'm uh…Pregnant."

I hear him laugh nervously. "Wow," He starts. "Clare, I'm so sorry."

I look back at Alli who is shaking her head. "It's fine." I say to Eli. "I'm going to try and make it through."

"What can I do to help?" He asks.

I shake my head. "I don't know." I say. "I'm still trying to figure out how I was so stupid."

"It's not your fault Clare," He says. "Don't think that it is."

Alli stands by the door. "Clare," She signals for me and I look at her. She makes hand gestures for me to hang up as she says "Your mom wants us downstairs."

"Right," I say to Alli, and then back to Eli. "Listen, I have to go. I'll talk to you at school tomorrow."

He says goodbye and I hang up the phone and look at Alli. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Alli asks me.

"I'm sorry!" I let out. "He said that he'd be there for me."

"And the perfect way to make him stick around is saying that you're pregnant?" Alli says sarcastically. She lifts up her hands. "How log are going to pull that off?"

I look down and realize how stupid I am. "…I'm stupid." I say. "I just miss him."

"Clare," Alli starts. "What happened to you?"

I sit down on my bed. "I'm such a sad excuse for Clare Edwards." I say.

She sits down next to me. "If he loves you," She starts. "He'd understand. Then maybe he will still stick around." I give her a look from her saying "maybe". "Clare," Se begins again. "If you can't tell him the truth, then he isn't worth it."

I roll my eyes. Maybe she's right…

"I'll tell him the truth tomorrow." I say.

* * *

I walk into the school and stalked quickly to my locker avoiding anyone that wanted to talk to me. I opened in deadly and noticed the blankness on my face from my mirror I stuck in there. Not only the blankness I noticed, it was also that small tear streaming down my cheek that I noticed also. I wiped it off and had no clue why I was crying. Probably because another lie came yet again from me to Eli which I regretted deeply.

I still don't know why I was scarred so much from _my _decision for having sex. I was concealing in my mind why I was so angry. The only thing that came to my mind was making the choice to risk my relationship, and also, risking my reputation from Saint Clare to Trashy Slut.

"Knock, knock." I heard a voice deadpan behind me and figured it was Eli. _Why now, Eli? I wasn't ready to tell him yet. _I turn around and see a blank expression on Eli's face. "Sorry to bother you." He says in a questionable tone.

"Its fine," I say turning back to my locker and grabbing various items like my books and such.

"Are you ok?" He asks me.

I close my eyes and shake my head. "I lied to you," I say refusing to look him in the eye.

I felt his anger build up although I didn't see him, but I knew he was angry. "What?" He asks vaguely.

"I'm not pregnant." I say as if I was relieved.

"Did you just find this out?" He asks.

"No," I say and turn back around to him. "I never thought I was. The test said negative the first thing."

His mouth cracked to a flat out frown. "Why do you keep doing this to me Clare?" He raises starts to yell like I've never heard him yell like this before. "I was freaking out for nothing!"

"I'm so sorry Eli!" He looks away and then jerks back to me. I start to feel more tears run down my face. I let my head down and start to say calmly. "I just thought that you wouldn't help me with this if I wasn't."

"So lying to me about being pregnant makes it so much better!" He says sarcastically but not in a good way. "Clare, your-

"A slut?" I finish. He rolls his eyes.

"That's not what I was going to say."

"We're you going to say crazy? Stupid, insane, anything related to that?" I basically yell that out to the entire hall but I hardly had time to care.

He looks at me disappointed. "I used to have hope in you, but now I know that that's impossible now. I was going to say hopeless." He says. "If you could've just come to me-

"You couldn't come to me about Julia!"

"I had to learn from your witness. You heard about it from me."

"That's because your witness is dead!" I yell at him and then quickly regret it.

He looks at me looking even angrier than before. "You know what Clare," He says. "…I can't help you anymore." He finishes and then starts to walk away.


	13. Chapter 13: Master Plan

**Hey guys,**

**So my story has been very intense lately,**

**So here is a comic relief for you guys.**

**I hope it makes you laugh. **

**Thanks Alexa for helping me try and find a good idea for this chapter. Oh, and Dani for helping me get an idea too. You guys are awesome! XD**

**Well here you go.**

* * *

Clare's POV

I stopped cutting myself but the scares were still there. I decided that I just needed to shake these few things off and enjoy the rest of my sophomore year while I can, and deal with reality later.

I prance over to Adam who is standing at his locker putting away his books. "Good morning, Adam." I say sounding a bit too happy.

He gives me a weird look. "It's a good morning?" Adam says. "Since when have you been so sunshine and rainbows?" He asks me and then shuts his locker.

I shrug. "I've just been in a good mood today." I say. "Also, I'm avoiding the intense stuff today."

He nods. "Good." He says and then we both slide down the locker and sit against them while we have about ten minutes until class starts. "So are you talking to Eli?" I give him a look. "What?" He asks.

"You had to bring up Eli?" I say. I look up and notice Eli walking this way. _Speak of the devil. _"Listen, why don't you come with me to my locker?"

"Uh," Adam starts. I stand up, grab his arm. "Ok." He says as if he had no other choice.

"Adam!" We hear behind us.

Adam turns around "Oh," He starts. "There's Eli."

He starts to walk towards Eli until I grab the back of his collar and pull him back. "No," I say trying to basically 'claim' him. "I thought you were coming with me to my locker." He stops and it looks like he's thinking.

"Adam!" Eli says again. "Get your ass over here!"

"No!" I yell at him myself. "C'mon Adam." I say and start to pull him my way.

Eli walks this way and whispers something to Adam. I cross my arms and stand there waiting for them to stop. As Eli whispers, he makes glances towards me. Adam looks at me and shrugs. "Sorry Clare," He says.

"That's not fair!" I yell at Adam but directing to Eli. "You were coming with me first."  
"Uh," Eli starts. "We were friends first."

"Are you guys seriously fighting over me?" Adam yells.

"No!" Eli and I yell in unison.

"There's no fighting because," I say and pull on his arm. "He was coming with me first."

"Dude," Eli says. "Do you want that comic or not?"

"Bribes," I start. "Really, Eli?"  
"Really," He says. "Adam lets go."

Adam looks over my shoulder. "Oh, look." He says and points. I turn around and notice Alli. "There's Alli," He says. I look back at him in disbelief.

"What is up with guys and comics?" I ask him. Eli wipes a smug look on his face. I shake my head as Adam and Eli walk away. _I hate boys. _

"What was that about?" Alli asks me.

"It's just Eli being Eli." I tell her.

"I'm guessing that you told him." She says in a questionable tone.

"Yes," I say. "And he didn't take it well."

She pats my back. "I'm sorry." She says sounding to comfort me.

I shake my head thinking I've had enough. "You know what," I say. "I'm sick of playing his games."

"So what are you going to do?" She asks me.

I started to have the perfect plan. "Now he's going to be playing my games."

"How?"

I look at her and shrug sarcastically. "I don't know."

* * *

Eli's POV

I walk into the school library and sit at a table to work on my English assignment. I take out a piece of paper to take notes for it, but I couldn't think of a good thing to write about. I thought of writing about a bad experience, but then that would get personal. I look down at my paper and start to write a few notes down like "Favorite book? Something that has taken my interest?"

I hear someone sit down at the table by me which made me look up out of curiosity.

It was Clare.

She doesn't look up and just looks down at her book. I couldn't help but feel anxious to talk to her.

I try to make noise to get her to notice me like shuffle my papers, tap my pencil and other things of that nature but she still didn't bother to notice me. I mischievously move my chair a bit closer so she would at least try to notice that I'm there. No surprise here; she didn't move…Of course.

Why am I wasting my time? I broke up with her.

I shake my head and look back down at my paper and start to think of more notes.

"Oh," I hear someone whisper by me without even missing a beat. "Hi, Eli." Clare says and then looks back down at her paper.

She would do that…

I look up at her and see her face buried in her book. I roll my eyes and look back down at my notes.

Clare's POV

I giggle quietly in my book. This plan might actually work. I sneak a look at Eli who looked incredibly pissed off, and I noticed my face began to look incredibly smug.

I burry my face back into my book and not pay attention to anything around me.

* * *

I stalk down to my locker and swing open the door of it and set my book in it. Down the hallway, I saw Eli open his locker too. I started to feel bad about doing this to Eli, but I couldn't just go over there and apologize for being pregnant because I've already apologized, and I didn't want to do it again.

I shut my locker and turn around while Fitz trudges down the hall with his posse behind him. _Ah, timing. You never fail me. _

"Uh," I say quickly. "Fitz!" I yell down the hall. He turns his head and I signal for him to come to me.

Just then I saw Eli's head perk up and shoot his eyes to me as Fitz walks towards me. "What do you need, Edwards?" Fitz asks me.

I smile nervously and keep glancing back at Eli who was examining what was going on around here. "I just wanted to say hi," I start. My perfect plan was about to be put into action as my voice turns a bit more seductive. "How are you, Fitzy?" I ask him and twirl his pull string on his sweatshirt in my small index finger.

He smirked that reminded me of Eli, but Eli's was a whole lot more charming. Speaking of Eli, I had the thought to glance at him, so I did, and he did _not _look happy.

"What's this about Edwards?" He asks me with a grin on his face.

I scuff. "What?" I ask him sarcastically. "Not happy to see me?" My finger slides out of the twirled string in my hand and up to his shoulder, and then down his muscled arm.

"Do I recall yesterday you hated me?"

I laughed flirtatiously at his remark and glance back over to Eli who was whispering something to Adam. _He's supposed to be paying attention. _My smile faded and so did Fitz's. I quickly smack the smile back on my face before seeing Adam walking over to me.

He grabs my arm and pulls on it. "Clare," Adam says. "Come with me?"

"Not now Adam," I snap through my teeth.

His grip grabs a hold of me and pulls me away from Fitz. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He asks me coldly.

I look at him sarcastically. "Whatever do you mean?"

He rolls his eyes. "You don't really like Fitz do you?"

I laugh. "No, stupid!" I yell at him.

He looks at me questionably. "Sarcasm?"

"No!"

"Then why were you flirting with him!" He yells.

I pat him on the shoulder and laugh. "Sometimes I question you, Adam." I tell him and then walk a different way to class: The way where Eli was standing which was no where near my class. I walk down the hall and he stands there with disbelief in his eyes. I walk past him and lift up my hand and twiddle my fingers back and forth in a wave gesture and then walk by him while he stands there looking either pissed, or just not believing what he saw.

I was incredibly satisfied.


	14. Chapter 14: Falling Slowly

**I know what you're thinking..."THREE CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY?" Yeah...Well I've had a lot of time on my hands, so here you guys go. You guys probably see intense stuff coming to ya, so the story is going to get really intense again, and then it's going to lighten up a bit. **

**Review away. They are what keeps me writting. :)  
**

* * *

Eli's POV

I clench my coffee mug in my hand at the thought of Clare flirting with Fitz. If this was her way of trying to make me jealous, well congratulations…It worked.

I hear the bell from the door swing open from the Dot's entrance and see Adam standing in the doorway and walks swiftly to me. "Clare doesn't like Fitz," Adam says.

I get a bigger grip on my coffee and spitefully take a sip. "I know," I say. "She's just messing with my head."

He orders and coffee and then takes a seat next to me. "Maybe it's some crazed way for trying to get you back."

I look at him. "Well, I'm not forgiving her that easily." I say coldly.

"Well, what are you going to do?" Adam asks me as his coffee is set down in front of him.

I shake my head. "I'm done playing games," I say.

"So, tell her you love her and kiss and make up already!" He says and takes a sip of his coffee.

I smirk. "You're kidding me, right?"

He shakes his head with not even a grin on his face. "No." I look down at the counter and think about if I should forgive her or not. "Eli," Adam starts again. "I know you and Clare have been through a lot. When you guys got in trouble for skipping, when you broke up, made up," His voice starts to trail off. "Broke up, and made up. Broke up, and made up…"

"I get it Adam!" I say and look out into the back of the counter. "We've broken up and made up a lot. That's why I'm having a hard time forgiving her."

Adam's cocky grin fades and looks down at his coffee. "You guys can't stay away from each other for more than two seconds without missing each other.

"That's not-

"You miss Clare, Eli."  
"Bu-

"You miss Clare, Eli!" He yells causing the whole Dot to look at us.

I take another sip of my coffee. "There you go getting all wise again."

He laughs and shrugs. He pauses for what looks like he is thinking. "Clare isn't perfect Eli…And neither are you. I'm sure you've made a lot of mistakes too."

I look down and try to make out my words. "She brought up Julia…"

I could feel Adam's face fall to a small gasp. "How?"

"I told her that if she would've come to me I would've understood a little bit better…" I stop there and promise myself not to cry. _Be a man, Goldsworthy. _"I really don't want to talk about that." I say.

He nods. "You don't have to." He assures me. "I still think you should talk to her though."

"And say what, Adam? That I'm sorry, weak, and…" I stop and try not to say it, but I knew I had to. "Miss her and am…in love with her?"

He makes a thinking face. "Maybe not that you're weak…"

That made me chuckle a bit. Adam was a good guy. He could always cheer me up.

He gets up and gives me two pats on the back. "Just talk to her." He says and then proceeds to leave the Dot.

I step out ignoring my half full cup of coffee and climb into my hearse and sit there for a moment. Was I really ready to talk to her? More importantly, was I really _in love _with Clare? I think back to the times that we had from the skipping to the dance and how I was never happier. I didn't think that I was actually _in love _with Clare because the only person I was really in love with was Julia, and I lost her. I didn't want to lose Clare because that would be two people that were close to me that I lost, and I couldn't go through with that again.

I clench my hands on the wheel and thought that maybe I should go home and clear my head. I at least deserved that.

I put the key in the ignition and start it and right then and there, it started to rain. Great, just what I needed was to drive home in the rain.

I arrive home after a short drive there and notice my parents weren't home…again. They were never home and I was usually just left there by myself most of the night because they both work until late hours. I step in and throw the keys on the counter and sit on the couch in the living room which I never spent time in. I was usually down in the basement because it was basically my very own apartment down there.

I heard the thunder boom which made me jump but what made me jump additionally was a knock on the door. That's strange…Who would even bother to go places in the rain.

I pick myself up from the couch and open the door to see Clare with her arms across her chest and her hood resting on her forehead. "What are you doing here?" I ask her.

"Can I come in?" She asks quietly as if she had been…crying maybe?

I nod and let her in and close the door behind me. "Do you need to talk about something?" I ask her.

She sniffles and shakes her head. "I-uh…" She starts but couldn't finish because her face was filled up with more tears. "I don't know."

"Cryptic," I say. I start to walk to the dinning room table and Clare follows and sits in the seat nearest to me. "Go on."

She doesn't say anything and reaches into her pocket and pulls something out. She sets the item on the table that what looks to be…scissors? "I-I don't get it." I say to her holding the scissors in my hand. She doesn't say anything else and pulls out a few more items. Fist she takes out a bunch of small rubber bands and then reaches back in her pocket then takes out a compose. "I see…" I start. "a lot of sharp objects?" I tell her.

She still had her arm partly extended on the table. "A lot of stuff that you can easily hurt yourself with…"

I started to get the point that she was making and got worried. Is she…no. She can't be. "Clare, you're not-

I was cut off by her face filling up with sadness as if she was about to cry even more. _Oh crap. _I pick up her hand from the table and spin it around to proceed to pull up the sleeve of her jacket. I do so and notice a bunch of gashes and burns on her arm. My eyes widen and look up at her crying face, her arm still resting in my hand. "Oh my god," I say to her quietly. "Clare…" It was terrifying to see this on her. I could hardly think about Clare hurting herself like that. "How long have you been doing this?"

Clare looks away. "A few days after…the incident."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not like you were talking to me." She says calmly, but I could tell she wanted to scream in my face.

I felt really, really bad now. If I would've known that Clare was doing this, I would've never left her in the dust like that. "I-I'm sorry-

"It's too late now because I can't take any of it back." She stops for a second and then looks down at the table. "I can't take anything at all back. I can't take back hooking up with Reese, I can't take back _this…_I can't take back anything. I tried to stop right after I started but I just couldn't. It was hard to."

"Clare," I start and take both of her hands and they are set in mine. "This isn't the way to deal with things."

"Well, what was I supposed to do?"

"Talk to someone?"

"Right," She says sarcastically. "I'm going to go to a complete stranger and tell them about my life." I shouldn't say this, but this was no time for sarcasm.

"I didn't say that…" I assure her.

She shakes her head. "I can't go to a councilor, Eli." She says. "My mom can't know about any of this."

"…You're going to have to tell her sometime."

She finally looks me in the eyes. "Eli, you were right. I'm hopeless. I wouldn't blame you if you don't want anything left to do with me."

"Clare-

"Let's just face it Eli," She interrupts. "I _am _hopeless." She puts her arms crossed on the table and then cries into them.

I move closer to her and put my arm around her shoulders and she moves to puts hers around me and she cries into my shoulder.

If I knew all this was going on with Clare, then I would've never walked away from her…


	15. Chapter 15: Numb

**Lacking inspiration, so this is just something I threw together. **

Clare's POV

I walk into the Dot and order a coffee as usual and take my seat gently on the stool by the counter. I sit there and wait patiently for the coffee and pull out my phone to look at the time. 5:00. My mom would usually be making dinner at this time, but I really didn't want to see her.

"Clare," I hear a few tables away from me. I look around and notice Alli flagging me down, just in time too because my coffee was ready. I pick up the cup and take a seat across from her.

"Hey Alli," I say to her and take a sip of the coffee in my hands.

"How are you?" She asks sincerely.

I shrug. "I've had better days," I answer simply and set my coffee down on the table. "So what are you doing at the Dot all by yourself?"

She shrugs. "I had homework," She says and gestures to the pile of papers in front of her, which I just noticed also. "What about you?"

"I just needed to get away from things," I say. "I do _not _feel like explaining anything to my mom right now."

"What happened?"

"She caught me sneaking in late last night." I say to her. She gives me one of those please-go-on-I-want-to-hear-more looks. "I didn't do anything _bad; _I just had a talk with Eli."

"So are you two back together?" She asks.

I lower my head. "…No." I answer quietly. "Do you know how many times we've been on and off? It's ridiculous."

She lets out a small 'hm' and says, "That shows that you can't get enough of each other."

"Alli, I love Eli, I do, it's just, I don't think we can be together again just yet."

I hear the bell ring and the door of the Dot swings open and out comes none other than Eli. Me and Alli exchange looks. "Well," She starts. "Speak of the devil." My eyes widen as it starts to process that Eli is really _right there _after the talk last night. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't.

"I'm gonna go," I start and swing myself up from the chair and dash out of the dot with all my might. I lean against the side of the Dot and fight my tears.

"Clare?" I hear be that sounded a bit like Eli. I perk my head up and swing it to face the guy standing there and it was most definitely Eli.

I shake my head at him. "Eli," I say. He looks at my sad face closer and then gets a concerned look on his face. I start to back away slowly. "I'm wasting your time." I turn around and I hear footsteps coming behind me.

"I'm just trying to help you," He says. His hand grabs my arm and spins me around. "I'm not doing this because I feel that it's right, I'm doing this because I care about you. "

I shake my head and then there comes the water works. "I'm just overwhelmed that I was able to tell you that…I promised myself that no one would know about it."

"Clare, you can't just keep something like that to yourself."

I shake my head. "You're right," I say. "I need to talk to a councilor or something."

He shrugs. "If that's what you feel will work best for you."

Xxx

I walk into the school and walk over to Ms. Suvae's office but stand by the door. I reach for the door knob, but quickly retreat it back. I couldn't go in there. _I wasn't ready. _

I didn't get why I couldn't just talk to her about something like this. I was able to tell Eli and Alli, but they are people I've known for a while now. I think the real reason was because I was scared that they would tell my parents.

The door opens and I stand there frozen. "Clare," Ms. Suvae says. "I was just going to come and find you. Why don't you come inside?" She says and gestures me to come inside.

_What? _Why was _she _coming to see _me? _I walked in and slowly took a seat on the chair across from her desk. "Ok, Clare," She starts and takes a seat down at her desk. She looks at me and sighs. "You're mother is worried about you."

"_Oh really,_" I snap sarcastically. "What else did she say?"

"She didn't go into full detail but she told me she was concerned."

"That's crap."

"Excuse me?"

I stand up. "There's nothing wrong with me!" I say a little too loudly.

"Clare," She says sounding as if she was trying to calm me down. "You need to sit down."

"No," I start getting not angry, but _furious. _"I need to get out of here." I say and grab my bag from the floor and stomp out of the room and into the gym, the first place I could think of to be alone without another word.

It was class period, so no one was in the gym, which was good. I go down by the outside basketball court and sit under the basketball hoop and cry. I couldn't figure out _why _my mom would choose _now _to care but I couldn't even think why she would be worried. I mean, she doesn't know about the ravine, and she doesn't know about the cuts…does she?

But this time I didn't care. I pulled out my scissors from my bag and pulled up my sleeve to a part where I hadn't thought of cutting: my upper wrist where all the veins were visible. I was scared to cut there because I thought that the blood loss could be bad, but this time, I really _did not _care.

I slide open the scissors and position my arm in wide form so I could just cut it and be done with it. I took the scissors slowly to my wrist and slide it across. The pain grabbed a hold of me and caused myself to be paralyzed. My motionless arm dropped the scissors to the ground and my other hand slammed across the throbbing cut. I couldn't feel my arm as it started to turn pail, but I just sat there in no obvious motion for anybody to see.

Eli's POV

I trudge to my locker and notice that a few rows down, where Clare's locker is, she wasn't there. That was strange considering we usually get to school at the same time, but this time, she was no where in sight.

"Eli," I hear a high voice, supposedly a girl's voice, but it sounded nothing like Clare. I look up and see her best friend Alli running towards me. "Where's Clare?"

"I don't know," My stomach dropped and I started to feel really nervous. "Have you seen her at all today?"

"No, I have no clue where she is." She looks around and her breath sounded like it was shortening a bit. "Do I have every reason to be worried?"

"Completely," I say. "I'm worried too. It's not like her to be late."

"Help me look for her," She says.

We both start walking around the halls and Clare was no where to be found. We even ran into Adam along the way and he helped us look also. "Where haven't we looked yet?" Alli asks still sounding worried, but even worse than before.

"We didn't check the gym!" Adam says and we walk quickly to the gym and swing open the door.

"Clare?" Alli shouts out. Adam and I start to check the perimeter of the gym. We start to hear Alli breathe hard. "Clare!" She yells. Adam and I perk up and run over to where Alli is to see her kneeling by Clare who is sitting on the ground.

"Oh my god," Adam and I both say at the same time and I kneel down. She wasn't dead, I mean, she was breathing, and she knew we were there. She just looked like she was scared half to death. "Clare what the hell did you do!"

"I'm fine!" She says, but barely. Alli lifts her hand off of her right wrist and gasps. We all look down and see that she had a huge gash on her arm that was bleeding pretty severely.

"Adam, get Principal Simpson!" I tell him and he runs off to get him.

"I'll get a towel." Alli says and then runs off to the girl's locker room. When she comes back she has a towel in her hand and then bunches it up and presses it on Clare's arm.


	16. Chapter 16: Something Like You

**This chapter is going to be really short. Just giving you a notice. It's KINDA a filler chapter, but yet it's not.**

**Kay guys, I'm really sick today so I stayed home from school. You guys are lucky that I am able to get one up today because I was going to have a lot going on but since I'm sick, I don't. :/ so here you guys go. **

Eli's POV

After Adam got Principal Simpson, he called an ambulance because he said at the rate that it was going, that much blood loss could be fatal.

Alli, Adam and I all waited patiently in the waiting room. I sit there looking down at my tapping feet feeling as nervous as ever. I knew Clare wasn't going to _die, _but finding her sitting there looking as helpless as she did was probably one of the scariest things I've seen.

"Will you stop tapping your foot," Adam snaps. I look back down and notice my foot was tapping rapidly.

I gradually stop it. "Sorry," I say. "I'm just nervous."

"Clare's not going to _die," _Adam says.

I give him a look and he looks back off into the distance like nothing just happened.

"What happened!" We all heard which made each one of our heads perk up.

I hear heels clanking towards us and then see Ms. Edwards with Darcy trailing behind.

I stand up and she becomes face to face with me and her face looked furious. "What happened to my daughter?" She asks quietly but intimidating.

"Mrs. Edwards," I start. "We really don't know what happened. We found her in the gym and she had a huge cut on her arm."

She puts her hand over her gaping mouth and then exchange looks with Darcy. "Did she do this to herself?"

I look back at Adam and Alli and they also looked hopeless. "I really don't know," I said turning back to her.

I saw a tear drip down her face. "Where have I heard that before?" She says turning to Darcy.

Darcy starts to open her mouth but was then rudely interrupted by her mother. "Do you have any idea why Clare would do this to herself?"

I definitely had an idea, but I thought I should leave it to Clare to tell her. "I think Clare should tell you that…" I say.

She nods her head. She then takes a seat across the waiting room while Alli, Adam and I sit back down and wait for the doctor to come in to tell the details on Clare.

"_So how's Julia?" I asked the doctor still shaking in my sweatshirt. _

_The doctor flips through her paper and then lets out a sigh. "Is there a family member here?" _

"_No," I say impatiently. "It's just me." _

_She shakes her head. "I need a family member." _

_I started to feel scared. "Can you just tell me if she's ok?" I ask. _

"_I need-_

"_Just tell me please!" I say a little too loudly. _

_She shakes her head one last time. "I'm sorry," She says. "Julia couldn't make it." _

_It took me time to process the words that went into my ears. Julia's gone? "No," I say with my breath sounding like it was about to shorten. "She can't be." _

"_I'm sorry," The doctor says one last time. I clench my fists and fight the tears. Julia couldn't just be gone…_

We hear the doctor step into the room and everyone at the same time stands up. "Is she ok?" Mrs. Edwards blurts out.

It seemed like forever for the doctor to answer her question. I was mentally freaking out at the thought of Clare _not _being okay, even though I was pretty sure she would be.

I hold my breath before the doctor gave a comforting smile. "She's very lucky," She says and we all sigh in relief. "She almost broke a vein which would've been very fatal."

"So can we see her?" Mrs. Edwards blurts out again.

The doctor looks through the curtain of the window where Clare supposedly was. "Yeah, go right ahead. One at a time, though."

Of course, Mrs. Edwards went in right after that being said. Darcy takes a seat back down where she was before. She puts her hand on her head. "I knew something was up." She says.

"How?" I ask her.

She looks up as if she didn't expect us to wonder why, but she answered anyways. "She was acting weird…I just didn't act on it and I should've."

"None of us did," Alli says. "It's ok."

I heard the same heals that I heard when Mrs. Edwards came in but this time they were slowed down and the sound of the walking pace sounded…disappointed.

She steps in front of me. "She wants to see you."

I look back at Alli and Adam and was…surprised. "Me?" I ask making sure she _really _was talking to me.

"Yes you," She says.

"O-okay," I say and slowly lift myself from my seat and proceed to Clare's hospital room.

She apparently noticed my footsteps and looks up to me and gives a weak smile. Afterwards she wipes it off and then looks off to the wall.

I sigh and take the stool by the door and swing it nearer to the bed. "How are you?" I simply ask.

"Stupid." She deadpans.

I roll my eyes. "No you're not." I say.

"But I am," She says on the verge of more tears. "I was stupid for going to the ravine, stupid for cutting myself in the first place, and stupid for doing this now."

"Everybody makes mistakes…" I say.

"Right," She says sarcastically. "Because most mistakes leave you in a hospital bed."

I look down and completely change the subject. "Why'd you do it?"

She shakes her head. "Because I'm crazy…" She says.

I shake my head. "Remember what I told you about Julia?" She nods her head. "Well, the fight before that was about her cutting herself." She looks up from the wall and then looks back at me. "I told a councilor…she got upset. So that was what the fight was about. I thought that maybe you needed just someone to help you through it, but I guess I was wrong…" She still looks at me now looking concerned about _me. _"I didn't want to loose you Clare like I lost Julia. I have a problem with trying to handle things so I wanted to try and handle this by helping you out because I didn't want you to run off on your bike in the night like Julia did…" I look down at my hands and notice a drop of water fall onto my hand. Is the ceiling leaking? No, it's my tears. _Damnit. _

"You're not going to lose me Eli," Clare says.

"But I almost did." I say looking up at her.

"I'm not going anywhere anymore." She says and gives a comforting yet weak smile. "I'll talk to Ms. Suvae on Monday, and I'll tell my mom everything."

I nod and then look back up to her and smile. At least I'm not going to lose Clare.


	17. Chapter 17: What You Mean To Me

**Last chapter? I don't know though. I mean, with the second part of season 10 coming out, I really am inspired to make a story about the new rules and Eli and Clare. Yes, I'm the biggest Eclare head. :D So I don't know…Once I get more inspiration I'll think about it. Hmmm, maybe Clare's birthday? I don't know, but on with the story. **

**Oh and also, I learned more words today. :P So I'm going to use those. **

* * *

Clare's POV

My mom's car pulls up to the depressing graveyard. In the backseat I could smell the aroma of the flowers in the front seat that depressed me even more than I was at the moment. Why can something so cheery-looking be for something so…_sad._

My mother grabs a huge sigh and then looks back at me in the backseat and then back up at Darcy in the front seat. "You guys ready?" She addresses both of us.

Darcy and I exchange looks and then slowly nod in unison. We all step out of the car and then make our way to my father's grave. I couldn't fight the tears that we're dripping from my leaky eyes and then wipe them away.

We arrive at the gravestone that said: _Randal Edwards, 1969—2010. _I take a look at Darcy who was looking back at me. "You okay, Clare?"

I sigh and wipe another tear from my eye. "Yeah," I say blankly. My mom leans down and puts the bouquet of flowers we brought onto the comfortable grass and then looks back at Darcy and me. It wasn't until then that I noticed she was crying too. "Well," She says avoiding the subject of our dad. "Why don't we get you down to the airport?" She addresses Darcy.

Darcy nods, then we head back to the car and then comes a quieter drive to the airport. When arrived at the airport, Darcy turns to me first and then pulls me into a hug. "Hang in there kid-o," She says and then pulls away from the hug. I give her a polite smile as she goes to my mother and gives her a big hug too. A hug goodbye because we didn't know _when _we would see her again. As she boards the plane, she looks back at us and waves back at us as we wave to her.

Afterwards was a silent trip home from the airport with my mother and I. We hadn't talked much since I told her what happened.

"_Well," My mother asks sternly when she drops her keys on the counter after the trip from the hospital. "Care to explain?" _

_I shake my head "No," I say quietly and start to walk up the stairs but she stops me in my tracks by grabbing my bandaged wrist witch caused me to wince by the hurt._

_She quickly retreats her hand. "Sorry," She says but then shakes a strict look back on her face. "Tell me why you would do this!" _

_I sigh. Maybe I was ready to tell them. I walk over to the couch as Darcy and my mother follow after and we all take our seats in different chairs in the living room. "It all started when dad died…" _

"Mom," I start. "Can you talk to me please?"

She stops the car on the side of the highway to prevent her from being distracted from the road. She does that a lot. She shakes her head. "I don't know what to say Clare," She says. "I thought you were better than that."

I tilt my head down in embarrassment. "I thought I was too." I start tapping my feet—it's what I do when I'm nervous—and not say another word until my mom spoke.

"Well," She starts. "I'm not going to lecture you, because I bet you already got that from Eli."

I look up at her a bit…confused. "What?"

She snags a weak grin. "He's a nice guy," She starts. "We talked at the hospital." She looks at me. "He's much better than that KC guy last year." She says through chuckles.

I chuckle too then get serious again. "Then did I gain your trust back?"

She grins. "Just don't go to anymore ravines," She says.

I chuckle. "Don't worry…" I say. She smiles at me one last time and then drives off. "And mom?" I start again.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry. I took you guys for granted, and I'm never going to do it again."

She nods her head, but not in agreement, she nodded as if she understood. "I know." She says understandingly.

I was surprised at my mom. How I thought it would play out: She would kick me out and then that would be done with that. But she was surprisingly more understanding than I thought.

It wasn't until now I realized how lucky I was.

* * *

I walk into Ms. Suvae's office nervously and clear my throat to get her attention as she wasn't facing me. She turns her chair around and I see her face light up. "What can I do you for, Clare?"

I look down and then look back up. "I'm ready to talk…" I tell her.

She smiles. "And I'm ready to listen." She says.

I take my seat across from her desk. "So," She starts again. "Tell me what happened."

* * *

Eli's POV

Yet another day at school…Yuck. Have I ever said I hate school?

I step up to my locker and start on the combination but before I got to the second number, I hear the door of Ms. Suvae's office open. I look over and notice Clare standing across from Ms. Suvae talking to her. Clare looked…_happy, _which I haven't seen in a long time.

Ms. Suvae steps back into her office and Clare stands there and then takes what looks like a sigh. She then notices me at my locker just down the hall and smiles and waves.

I grin back and then continue to open my locker until she walks over to me. "Good morning," She says.

I turn to her and smile. "How was it?" I ask her addressing to Ms. Suvae's room.

She takes a deep breath and smiles. "Talking about it was easier than I thought." She tells me.

I smile at that. It was good to know that she was so much better.

I open my mouth to say something, but since I was regretting what I was going to say, I close it quickly. "What?" She asks.

I shake my head and look back at my locker. "Nothing," I say trying to sink my face into it to _not_ let her see that I was smiling like an idiot.

"What!" She says louder but laughing while saying it. She grabs my shoulder and turns me to her to see that we were only inches away from each other's faces. Her smile faded to what looked to be a comfortable look.

I break the silence. "I was just going to say that it's good that everything is alright now." I say and jokingly pull my face back to my locker to continue to grab my books.

With my peripheral vision, I saw her smile. "I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders," She says. "And it was all because of you." I look at her with a look on my face of confusion. She shakes her head and smiles. "If it wasn't for you…and Alli helping me with this, then I would've never made it through this."

I grin to her and as I turn back to my locker, I say "You're welcome." And she smiles and nods her head. She starts to walk down the hall the other way and I realized my chance was just about to walk away from me.

_Just do it, Goldsworthy. _

I watched as she walked away and couldn't even make out the courage to call her back over here. I shook my head and just decided that I would do it maybe in English, or after school.

"Eli," I hear behind me. I knew it was Adam—that was definitely his voice. I turn over to him. "She's walking away. That was your chance!"

"Is it really that obvious?" I ask.

He laughs. "I saw the whole thing." He says and pats me on the back. "Talk about blushing."

"_What!" _I yell. I feel my face and notice that it's really warm. _Shit, I was blushing. _"Adam-

"I know," He interrupts holding a hand up to my face. "It wasn't the right time or place."

"The chaos is just gradually getting over with," I tell him. "Once everything is cleared over, I'll definitely take a strong consideration."

He rolls his eyes. "I can't take this!" He says. "You love her, right?"

I give him a look. "What kind of question is that? Of _course _I do."

"The sooner the better."

"Well, I don't want to seem like I'm just doing this because I feel sorry for her."

He rolls his eyes once again. "Just do it." He says and walks away.

He was right again. I need to just do this.

* * *

After school, I climb into my hearse and sit there for a moment. I knew I needed to tell Clare as soon as possible that I loved her, but I just didn't know the right time. I didn't want her to think that I felt sorry for her, but I didn't want her to think that I was waiting too long and then it was…_too late. _

I put the key in the ignition before I realized I had no clue where I was going to. Clare's house or my house? The words "_Just do it, Goldsworthy!" _repeated in my head over and over again. My conscience was right—I had to just do it!

I start the car and drive over a few blocks down to Clare's house. When there, I step out of the door and start to knock on the door but then quickly look into the driveway to see if there were any cars in the driveway because I knew Clare walked home and I wanted to make sure it was her who was going to answer the door.

I lifted my hand to knock but the door was already opening. It was Clare. She didn't seem to be opening it because she knew I was there though, she seemed to be opening it because she was going to maybe go somewhere.

She notices me at the door and then gives that confusing look—The same look she gave the first time I showed up to her house. Plus, she gave the exact same greeting too. "What are you doing here?" She asks me.

I smirk. "Is that always how I will be greeted every time I come here?" I ask sarcastically.

She crosses her arms. "Hi Eli, how are you?"

"Fine, Clare. Thanks for asking!" I say to her dramatically which made her smile.

"But seriously, what are you doing here?" She asks, but this time, it wasn't as cold as the last time.

"I-uh," I start. _Crap, I'm so nervous! _I noticed myself saying "um-uh" a lot…again.

She chuckles. "Spit it out, Goldsworthy." She says this time coming outside of her doorway and closing the door behind her.

"I…I just wanted to see how you were doing!" I spat out. _What! That's not what I came here for at all!_

"I'm doing fine." She says warmly. "You know, my mom loves you."

I laugh. "Yeah," I start. "I had to really kiss-up at the hospital."

"Oh really," She says sarcastically. "Why so?"

I smirk. "You know," I start. "I didn't want her to _hate _me. What? Did you want me to be an ass to her?"

She laughs. "Listen, Clare," I start again. "That's not why I came here…Sure I wanted to know how you were doing, I mean, I don't want to seem-

"Quit rambling!" She jokes which made me laugh nervously, and made her laugh too. She looks up to my eyes now which made it hard to speak staring into her big blue eyes.

"Ok," I say taking one big breath. "I'm just going to come right out and say this. Clare," I start. Great, here I go pouring my heart out. "I don't want you to seem like I'm doing this just because I feel sorry for you, or because it's just the right thing to do but I came here because I wanted to tell you that…" I started to stutter. This was nerve-wrecking. "I never stop thinking about you. Even when all that happened, all my thoughts always came back to you and how I've always…" She smiles and then looks as if she knew what I was going to say next. I found myself only inches from her face. "Loved you." I finish and then quickly after that, I found my lips crashing with hers for the first time in a long time, but it _definitely_ felt like the first time. She had no hassle pulling away and neither did I. I wanted to stay there forever.

But then the kiss came to an end as we both pulled away slowly, her forehead resting on mine. She smiled and I grinned. "Well," I say breaking the amazingly comfortable silence. "I'll see you Monday, Edwards."

Her forehead was still rested on mine and she smiles. "I'll plan on it, Goldsworthy." She says.

I take a small step back and give her one last peck on the forehead and head to Morty. While in there, I let out a _huge _sigh of relief

**Awwwww. I promised Eclare fluff, and I did it. And NO, not the last chapter. I don't think. I want to write in AFD and then do the new rules in my story. So, don't go anywhere.**

**Oh, and can I hit more than 100 reviews after this chapter? That'd be amazing because you guys are what keeps me writing. **

**Love you guys! **


	18. Chapter 18: Critical

**A few things before I start this chapter: And please read this.  
So there are a few things I want to tell you guys before I start.  
One, I don't like it when you guys review my story and tell me what to do and/or yell at me for what I did. I don't want to sound rude, I mean, I love you guys to death, but could you please stop doing that? I love your reviews, but I don't like it when you guys tell me what to do. I mean, it's MY story.  
Second, this chapter is going to be taken place in AFD. I really liked that episode, and I really want to write chapters about the new rules, and new Eclare drama. (:  
Third, I want to start making these based on songs. There are a lot of songs that inspired me to write these chapters so I think I am going to name the chapters after those songs and kind of the lines that inspired me to this chapter.  
Fourth, I got 100 reviews. (: You guys are awesome!  
Lastly, I think my writing skills are gradually getting better. As most of you guys probably know by these authors notes, I'm **_**very **_**picky with my writing. You will usually see me going like: This chapter is not good or whatever. Sorry about that. I'm not the most confident person in the world. D:**

**I think that's about it. Oh, and I'm not getting as much reviews as I usually get. What the crap? :P Review! Review! Review! **

**This chapter takes place after Eli poisons Fitz. So pretend that Eli/Clare/Fitz drama already happened. :P **

**Ok, so on with this then: **

* * *

_There's a storm coming up,  
I think I got to prepare myself,  
because this feeling's getting stronger everyday.  
Something's creeping inside,  
Everything is about to change.  
I've got to face the fact that I can't walk away._

Eli's POV

_What did I seriously just do? _Poisoning Fitz was probably the dumbest thing I've ever done. Clare hating me, Fitz probably coming to get me back is scaring the crap out of me.

I found myself leaning against a random Degrassi student's locker and thinking about how I deserved everything that was about to come to me. It wasn't until I fell onto that locker that I heard small heels running my way which I ignored. I didn't want to see anyone, especially someone I had to explain to.

The thud of the heels started to get louder and through my peripheral vision, I saw Clare running towards me. Once arrived, she swung her way in front of me with her grasp of my arm. "Eli," She starts sounding so out of breath that it sounded as if she was having a hard time speaking. "We have to go. Fitz has a knife." I stood there paralyzed. She told me that I deserved anything Fitz did to me, so now she's trying to help me? "This is where we run, let's go!" She says demanding to push me off the locker.

"I'm not going to let that jerk scare me," I let out.

"Eli," She says more forcefully. "He. Has. A. Knife."

"Aw," I attend to Fitz's voice and my stomach drops. "Don't you two look cute?" He says sarcastically.

I incline up from the locker and stand right in the middle of the hallway while Fitz is on the other end. "You should go," Clare says sounding and composed as possible.

"And let pretty boy make time with my date?" Fitz asks sarcastically _again. _He starts to saunter closer and closer and my stomach kept dropping deeper and deeper.

"Fitz, don't do this." Clare says again but this time hushed and calmer, if that was even possible.

"Shut up, bitch!" Fitz shouts almost immediately after.

I knew now that Fitz means something with that knife, and I wasn't going to let anybody but me get hurt. I start to push Clare's arm which helps her get away from the knife. "Get away from me," I say in the most harmless way possible. "Look," I say directing back to Fitz. "I'm sorry about before, about everything…You win."

He nods his head lightly. "I've heard that before." He says and his hand forces me back further.

I saw him start to raise the knife a tiny bit. "Stop," I start losing my breath. "I'm serious."

"So am I," He says and pushes me back again. "You've had this coming for a while." I couldn't make out anymore words. I wanted to say something along the lines of: _I never thought you were _this _much of a monster _but then I would get sure of him stabbing me and that being it for good. "What's the matter emo boy? No smart-ass comments?" He asks and pushes me once more causing me to hit my back on the wall. There-fore I couldn't step back any further, which led my life to flash before my eyes.

I felt tears build up and had no time to stop them. I started to shake and become terrified. "Don't do this," I hardly let out.

He smirks his evil smirk. "Someone's got to shut you up." He raises the knife and jabs it right where I didn't feel it, but by a common reaction, I jerked back as if he did stab me, which I really thought he did for a moment.

My knees started to become as weak as they ever were which leads me to slide to the floor. Fitz lets go of the knife that was punctured into the wall instead of anywhere on my body. _I was alive? _I didn't think I was, therefore I let out a _huge _sigh of relief.

Clare comes running over to my aid and goes down on her knees to see anything that's wrong. Nothing…

* * *

"The lockdown is over, everybody go home!"

I had no explanation for Clare who looked still alarmed at what just happened.

"When I was nine there was this guy, Mike…" I said believing that was really the _only _way I could explain. "His _hobby _was beating me up, and no matter how fast I ran he was always faster."

She pauses and looked down at the cold, wet ground then up to the many police cars parked in front of the school. As Fitz was being pushed into the vehicles, I could nearly feel his anger. "You're not nine anymore," Is all she said, but _hardly._

"Well neither are the bullies, so what am I supposed to do?"

She looks back up to me looking more saddened than ever. "I don't have the answer," She says. "But if it's this…Then I can't be with you."

Her words went into my ears and then right down to my heart. But this time, I knew she meant it…

"Does someone want to explain what happened?" Mr. Simpson requests coming towards both of us.

Clare squints her eyes and I knew that this time she was going to tell _the whole truth. _She turns around and I stay facing the police cars that are taking Fitz into the big house.

"Fitz was going to fight some kids at school…" She starts. I could tell she was having difficulty with words. "So to stop it, I set off the stink bomb. When you started questioning I panicked-

"So," I say quickly interrupting her. I turn around to face Mr. Simpson. "I blamed Fitz…I guess he got mad and decided to teach me a lesson."

"So you lied to me?" He asks almost immediately after.

I was going to open my mouth to say something before Clare says "Yes sir" before I could. I figured that my lying was done…

"Well there will be consequences." He says. I expected him to scream in our poor, pathetic faces but surprisingly he sounded a bit…considerate.

"Excuse me sir," One of the officers says behind them, holding Holly J by the shoulders. "I caught this one stripping in an empty classroom." _Holly J? Tense Holly J? Stripping? _Damn, I was confused.

Mr. Simpson whips their way and there stands Sav and Holly J looking as worried and upset as ever, but he doesn't say a word. He just starts to march off into the school before Holly J says a few words. "Mr. Simpson," Holly J pleas. "I am so sorry."

"I don't want to hear it!" He exclaims. I've never seen him this pissed off. "I trusted you; All of you…" He takes a step back. "I've never been so disappointed in my life. There's going to be changes. _Big _changes. When you all get back from break, you won't recognize this school at all."

* * *

**So it's basically just All Falls Down. The next chapter is going to take place after winter break. These are just my predictions that I am going to write. So I hope you guys enjoy. (: **

**Thank gosh for the synonyms option on word because if that was never there, then this story would be so mediocre. **


	19. Chapter 19: It's Not Over

**I'm really excited to say that October is closer than we think it is. :D But I am not excited to say that I want this done before October comes…It's sad, it really is, but once October comes, I wont be able to make much more of this story. Plus, it's getting REALLY LONG, and I don't think that's really good. ): **

**I hope you guys understand. But after that half, I might JUST make a new story of what I think is going to happen for season 11 because rumor has it that they are going to have a season 11. (Stephan tweeted that they probably are. :D :D ) I hope you guys are just as excited as I am. **

**I've said it before and I will probably say this from now on: I love your reviews, I really do, just make them about the story. And if you are reviewing just to say "wow" or "Clare is stupid" please don't…I want to hear what you guys will say about **_**my **_**story and **_**my **_**writing. I don't want to sound selfish, but please, knock that off. **

**On with the show then. **

* * *

_It's not over, no it's not over, it can't be over.  
We had a chance to make it, but now it's over. _

Clare's POV

"_If this is the answer, then I can't be with you." _

"Clare! Get up! I know you had your fun during winter break but it's time for a reality check!" Great way to get me up and excited for school, _mom. _

I stumble quickly out of bed and make a straight path to the bathroom to turn on my curling iron, and try and follow my basic routine for school mornings. While waiting for it to heat up, I stare into the mirror and take a quick brush through my hair. While looking in the mirror, I apprehend that this semester isn't going to be easy…

I acknowledge a few thuds on the door and open it to see my mother standing there with a cardboard box in her hand. "I forgot to give this to you," She says and places the box in my extended hands.

"What is it?" I ask her while making my way to my room.

"It's your new uniform." She responds.

_Uniforms? _Mr. Simpson isn't kidding around this time. I rip open the box and notice a purple shirt with a panthers logo right below the color folded neatly in the box. I pull it out of the box and lay it on the bed before seeing a note soar out of the shirt. _What the hell? _I reach down to pick it up and it reads:

_Degrassi Community School's new uniforms are to strictly be worn on a regular basis with your printed ID cards around your necks provided in the package. Also, you are to report to the gym first thing in the morning for a meeting about our new rules. If caught disobeying, there will be serious consequences. _

_Principal Simpson. _

Do I have every right to be scared out of my mind? It's not like I would _try _to contravene the rules, but this is ridiculous.

* * *

Eli's POV

"_Remember to report right to the gym this morning for a few announcements from Principal Simpson," _The announcer says over the intercom. I make a quick trip to my locker first thing while tugging and pulling at my _ridiculous _red polo that I was required to wear. I still think these uniforms are comical.

My locker swings open at an unsatisfying empty locker. Looks like they took down all my posters I had up to give it that _Eli-Goldsworthy-vibe _so now it's just so…lifeless.

A few rows down I spot the usual short, gold curls that I used to love to see every morning making her way to her locker also. _My god _Clare didn't change a bit. She still had those fluffy curls and those baby blue eyes that I admired every time I looked into them. _It was Clare Edwards, alright. _She was wearing a pair of khaki pants and a similar looking polo but with a color that looked slightly like indigo.

"_Hello?" _What's that voice? And I why am I hearing it? "Dude!" I experience myself being grasped by two arms that twist me around quickly. "I've been standing here for _five minutes!_"

"Exaggeration," I say to Adam. "I haven't even been _here _for five minutes."

He raises my hands in one of those _"well excuuuuuse me" _motions. He smacks them back down and takes a good look at my uniform and chuckles. "Red's not really your color."

"_Damnit, Adam!" _I'm not feeling too satisfied this morning. I wasn't in the mood for his jokes. "Let's just get down to the gym, shall we?" I take one last glance at Clare as she quickly flings her head back to her locker. I was having a hard time considering that fact that she _wasn't _looking at me.

* * *

The gym was set with chairs, and Adam and I take our seats each on one of them. "Hopefully these new rules don't _entirely _ruin our lives."

"Uh," Adam starts between laughs. "Do you _know _how pissed he was? That's probably his _goal. _My mom told me that at the school board meetings he meant business."

I roll my eyes at the though. It was probably his _mom _that meant business, and his _mom _is the one out to ruin our life. Figures…

"Hey Clare," I hear Adam say by me. I turn my head to see Clare sitting in a seat next to Adam, and farthest away from me. I was either angry or thankful she went to sit down by Adam, or maybe just plain miserable.

"So how was your break?" She asks sympathetically to Adam, barely acknowledging my existence. Good, she didn't have to talk to me, but I _definitely_ want her too.

Adam opens his mouth to answer Clare's question but before he could, we all noticed a piercing noise coming from the microphone which made nearly everybody in the audience jump. AKA, the whole entire student body.

"Good morning Degrassi," Principal Simpson starts into the microphone. "I see you have all found your uniforms. These are to be worn at all times. No exceptions. If you all have gotten your ID's around your necks, please hold them up." Everybody lifts their ID's from their necks and hold them up for Principal Simpson to see. _What's the point of this? _"Good," He says. Everybody gradually lowers their ID's as he begins to talk again. "Now that I have seen that you all are in uniform, I am going to give the microphone to Sav so he can say a few words."

Sav steps out from behind the curtain and clears his throat. The guy looked _terrified. _"Hello," He starts timidly. "I'm Sav Bhandari, and I am here to say that Degrassi is going to be different from now on, and when you walk out of this meeting, take a flyer from the security guards by the door."

"_Security guards?" _I whisper to Adam. _"When Simpson said we wouldn't recognize this school he certainly wasn't kidding." _

"_Tell me about it," _I hear that whisper, but it wasn't Adam. I look up and see Clare looking as blameless as ever. I decided to smirk anyways.

_It's not over,  
Unless you let it take you,  
It's not over._

* * *

**Review away! I want to hear what you guys have to say. (: I might make Clare be playing a few games with Eli's head, because I like that idea. So I think I have all the chapters from now on, and I want to squeeze in an Alli and Clare game night because I think that my story needs to have more humor and fun besides all the drama. (: **

**If you are going to review—Review about **_**this **_**story, and about **_**this **_**writing. Please. **

**-Amanda. **


	20. Chapter 20: Straitjacket Feeling

**It's been a while since I updated huh? So I'm gonna do that now.  
We just got a new computer and the keyboard is all sticky so it's kinda hard to use, so sorry if there are tons of errors that I happen to not notice.  
Thank you loves. :) Review away. **

_I don't like the way I look when I'm standing beside you  
this isn't me, I'm not happy can you feel it too?  
How long should I drag this on?  
Waiting around for what's already gone._

Clare's POV

"So tell me," Ms. Suvae says leaning forward slightly. "What happened this week? Anything you need to talk about?"

I shake my head from side to side. "No Ms. Suvae."

She looks over her papers and nods. "You've been doing great Clare. I think this may be your last time here if you want."

I felt an idiotic grin swipe across my face. "Really?"

She smiles. "Yes Clare," She assures. "You've been doing well."

I jump up from my seat. "That's great Ms. Suvae. Thanks so much! You've been a great help."

I start to walk out of the room to get on with my life until she stops me with her words. "But if anything happens, you come to me right away. Got it?"

I swing my hands in an I-get-it format and leave the room. Once left, I let out a huge sigh of relief. _I'm finally free. _

I take a step forward to find myself stumble upon someone in front of me. "I'm sorry," I say before finding this person's face. Un-pleasant surprise, _Eli. _

"No," He starts. "It's my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going."

My stomach drops as the only words I could make out was "Vise-versa." I nod my head and walk away before the storm comes.

I didn't like avoiding Eli. In fact, I _hated _it. But like Ms. Suvae said: _Stay away from someone or something that will make anything worse than they are. _Eli definitely falls under that category.

I ended up walking home that day because my mom had work to do. She had been working a lot lately, but I avoided the fact that something was going on.

When I arrive at the door, I pay attention to the laughing that I heard inside. I quickly open the door and notice my mom and some guy sitting closely at the table.

She notices me standing at the door and looks up. "Clare," She says and sets down her drink on the table. "You're home!"

I shoot her a look, a look directing to the man sitting at the table, but looking at her.

"Oh," She continues. "This is Kurt."

He extends his hand inches from me. "Nice to meet you, Clare." He says. The polite thing to do was shake his hand, but I didn't do that.

_Stay away from someone or something that will make anything worse than it is. _

"I'm going upstairs," I announce and start to the stairs.

I was able to take one step up the stairs before she stops me. "Wait," My mom interrupts. I stop right there bit don't turn around. "How was school?"

I shrug. "Fine," I say vaguely and start to take one step up the stairs, but of course, was stopped again.

"What happened?"

"Nothing," I finalize that conversation and walk all the way up the stairs this time.

_Who was that? Why is he here? _

I fling my bag onto the floor and then fall right onto my bed. What if she's dating again? I'm not ready for this right now. Right when things start to resolve, something else happens. I put my hands onto my aching head and lay there in bed trying to ignore the fact that Kurt is downstairs…alone…with my mom.

"Clare!" I hear my mom calling me in a sing-song voice. "Come down here."

I sigh, and let out a stupid lie. "I'm doing homework!" I yell back down and start to rub my forehead.

"Just come down here! Grab your jacket!"

My _jacket? _I groan and grab the first cardigan I see and trudge down the stairs. "What?" I ask her rudely while still making my way down the stairs.

She gives me a polite smile. "Kurt wants to take us to dinner. She proceeds to put on her jacket. "Now let's go."

I gesture to my outfit. "I'm still in my school uniform!"

"Then change into something new and let's go!" She says strictly.

I roll my eyes and stomp back up the stairs. _This sucks. _I really didn't want to go out to dinner with my mother and some guy that I hardly even knew.

I pick out a simple outfit: My yearbook club t-shirt and jeans. It's not like I'm meeting the queen or anything.

I walk back down the stairs and then walk out to my mom's car with her and Kurt in the front seat.

I quietly climb into the backseat and shut the door.

After halfway through the extremely awkward ride, Kurt looks back at me and smiles. "So Clare, how are you doing in school?"

"Fine."

He turns back around and I could just _feel _his peculiar look. "Ok," He says uncomfortably.

"She's doing great!" My mom says. "All A's, yearbook club… Oh, and Clare just got a boyfriend." She said boyfriend in a sing-song voice.

"_Mom!" _I yell feeling violated of my personal life. "He's _not _my boyfriend."

She gasps. "What happened?" She asks me.

I cross my arms across my chest and invert my eyes out the window. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Bu-

"I _don't _want to talk about it!" I snap.

She lifts her fingers from the wheel and then curls them back on. I could see the offended look in her eyes. "That's too bad," She starts. "Eli was such a sweet boy."

I roll my eyes and watch the trees pass by, thinking of how I did _not _want to be here.

"Oh Clare," My mom starts again. _Can't she see I want to be left alone? _"Wasn't it your last day with Ms. Suvae?"

Ok, now this was getting really personal. I nodded my head anyways and thought that maybe she could see me through her rear view mirror.

"Ms. Suvae?" Kurt asks my mom. "Is that a councilor?"

"No!" I shoot out.

"Yes!" My mom corrects. _Shit. _"Clare was seeing her councilor to talk about a few problems."

I slap my head on my forehead and try to fight my struggling urge to strangle that woman.

"What for?"

"Ok," I yell. "This conversation ends now, _Kurt._

"Clare Edwards," My mother snaps. "I just want to have a nice dinner with Kurt."  
"By all means," I say. "Then count me out." I point to the back. "Home is that way." She doesn't say anything and sits there in silent still driving the other way. "I'm waiting…" I say with an attitude.

"You're acting like a child," She says. I perceive Kurt looking as uncomfortable as ever, but I truly didn't care.

"_And you're acting like a bitch," _I mumble under my breath.

My mom pulls over and looks back at me. "I heard that Clare!" She yells.

"Oh really-

"We are going to have a nice dinner and you are going to like it!"

I sit back in my seat and cross my arms. I was about to step right out of the car, but opposed against it. That would get me homeless, and/or lost.

_I need to be free, to feel like I can breathe_  
_Cause this holy mess, is strangling me_  
_I say, that I should walk away_  
_There s no change, if I choose to stay_  
_I dont know what to believe in_  
_I sink into this straitjacket feeling_

_**Review my loves. 3**_


	21. Chapter 21: Come Back

**Don't kill me for not updating much! D: But don't give up, I beg you please!  
Blame school. :/ Giving me crap loads of homework and expecting me to do it all. IT IS PURE CRAP; I say we do a protest.  
He-he, that'll never happen...  
So October 8****th**** is two weeks from tomorrow! I am uber excited for this! ;)  
So I'm excited for this chapter. I just am kind of making it up as I go, so bare with me here.  
God, I have a lot of OneRepublic song titles coming your way. What? Their music is great, and their music is inspiring. **

_Hello, world, hope you're listening.  
Forgive me if I`m young or speaking out of turn.  
But there`s someone that I`ve been missing,  
and I think that they could be the better half of me._

Eli's POV

_I saw him start to raise the knife a tiny bit. "Stop," I start losing my breath. "I'm serious."_

_"So am I," He says and pushes me back again. "You've had this coming for a while." I couldn't make out anymore words. I wanted to say something along the lines of: __I never thought you were __this __much of a monster __but then I would get sure of him stabbing me and that being it for good. "What's the matter emo boy? No smart-ass comments?" He asks and pushes me once more causing me to hit my back on the wall. There-fore I couldn't step back any further, which led my life to flash before my eyes._

_I felt tears build up and had no time to stop them. I started to shake and become terrified. "Don't do this," I hardly let out._

_He smirks his evil smirk. "Someone's got to shut you up."_

_Damnit. _There I go again; thinking about that night. That horrid night. I've done some stupid things, but I've never been that close to _dying. _

I felt a small buzz in my pocket and pull out the source of the buzzing. I take a look at my phone and check my text messages.

**1 new message from: Adam. **

_Eli? Did u die or something? _

_Oh Adam. _I don't text back after about 20 minutes of a short nap and he's already on my ass.

_No stupid. Even I need my beauty sleep. _I reply back. Of coarse I'm always witty when I'm in a bad mood.

I haven't slept well these days. There has been _a lot _on my mind lately, all the way from the Night in Vegas. Two weeks with a small amount of sleep gets to you after a while.

But the painful sore from this couch gets to you quickly. _Damnit. _

My phone vibrates again. _Really? _

Oh, and look, it's from Adam! What a surprise.

_I'm meeting Clare at the dot. U should come. Now's your chance!_

Is it sad that I _nearly _thought about taking up on that chance? But sadly, I still needed my self-respect.

I reply back: _I'm not desperate. _

Less than a few seconds later, there comes another text.

_But yet, u so r. ;) _

I role my eyes. I am _not _desperate. Although my heart wanted her back _so much. _At the roll of my eyes, the clock pops up into my eyesight. _8:30 already? _I haven't even started my essay that was due _tomorrow! _

I guess I'm just going to have to pull an all-nighter.

_Hmmm. What to write about, what to write about. _Ms. Dawes said that it can be anything we want. I always liked that, because then I don't have to write about an amateur topic that Ms. Dawes probably got from a Time magazine.

Its official: I had writers block. I, Eli Goldsworthy, had writers block. What has the world come to?

Then suddenly, it hit me. I knew what I needed to write about, but I was just too much of a coward to write it.

_Just do it, Goldsworthy._

_They`re in the wrong place, trying to make it right  
And I`m tired of justifying_

* * *

I've been dreading English all day and the day passed way to quickly. But when English came, I felt like a huge weight was about to be lifted off my shoulders.

I take my seat quietly and sit in silent for more than a few minutes until Adam walked in and took his seat next to me.

He glances over at my strained face and gives a polite grin. Although I appreciated his manners, I refused to look at him. I refused to look at anyone.

At the corner of my eye, I could see the look on his face looking slightly offended, but he knew _exactly _why I didn't want to talk to him. I just wanted to get this crap over with.

That familiar light tap of flats starts to slowly get louder and closer. A bag plops onto the desk behind me and I knew exactly who it was. _Clare. _

"Morning Clare," Adam says to her. No response. And I could tell Adam was started to steam up like a tea pot. He looks down at his hands and taps his fingers together. _Poor guy. _

"Okay class," Ms. Dawes basically yells from her seat. "Take out your stories and get into partners. You guys are going to be editing each other's papers."

_Fuck. _Those words stung as they stuck into my brain.

I turn back to Clare who looks _completely disappointed. _She lets out a small sigh. "Let's just do this, shall we?" She holds out her hand, signaling for me to give her my paper.

I reach into my bag and pull it out. I take a good look at it and think to myself. _There goes my dignity. _

I hold it out. "Don't laugh."

Clare's POV

Don't laugh? I look down at the paper and read the title That Certain Feeling. 

_Everybody has lost someone in their life. Maybe a best friend, maybe a family member, but losing someone close to you, maybe the closest person in your life, leaves a sting in your soul. It's as if someone took your heart and tears it into a thousand pieces. It's pitiful but it has happened to everyone ever since the beginning of time. We've all lost someone, someone we can't get back. _

I think it was safe enough to say that I was completely speechless. A lump in my throat came, and then came the leakage of my tears.

"Well?" He asks me nervously.

"Uh," I say and think of something to say. "It's a little wordy." I say giving his flawless paper back to him.

"I know," He says and slams it back on the desk. "Not the best I've written."

"I didn't say it wasn't good."

"_You _didn't…" He shakes his head and holds out his hand.

"…What?"

He gives me an obvious look. "Your paper," He says raising an eyebrow.

"Oh," I say feeling my stupidity. I reach into my bag and pull out my paper and hand it to him.

Eli's POV

_Just A Kid_

_We are all just kids inside, and that meaning that we don't quite understand what we are, and what our purpose is, a kid that doesn't hardly know how to speak their mind, maybe not even know when and how to speak about that something that is bugging you. A kid never wants to be caught with their hand in the cookie jar, and we just don't want to get caught making a stupid mistake like something that simple, and it may be held on you forever. We could be banned from sweets for a long while, and no child loves that. That one mistake is like a scar: It'll start to fade a small bit, but it will always be there. But that's life. We were built to make mistakes and made to be forgiven even if we feel that we don't feel that we don't deserve it. Maybe we don't feel anything at all. Maybe the people around our melancholy lives are just a blur to us. You know that something is there, someone, but you just can't quite understand who they are, or what they are, and why they are there, or if they are there for you. There to care for you. Maybe that someone or something is just there to whisper in your ear that everything will be okay in the long run, but when you know that really it isn't. That person could be the closest person in your life, or someone just about to step into that category._

I nod my head and try to make out words to say. "Wow," I chock out. "It's really good."

_She slips the paper back into her hand. "Thanks."  
__And right now there's a war between the vanities  
But all i see is you and me  
And the fight for you is all i've ever known ever known  
So come home_

**I meant the "Come Home" part in a metaphorical sense. Meaning as in, she's better with him, so she needs to come back. (;**


	22. Chapter 22: Nobody's Home

**I'm starting on this awesome new chapter. It's kind of a throw-together, so don't be mad about it. It might make NO SENSE at all, but just bare with me here. **

_I couldn't tell you  
Why she felt that way  
She felt it everyday  
And I could help her  
I just watched her make  
the same mistakes again_

* * *

Eli's POV

_Maybe that someone or something is just there to whisper in your ear that everything will be okay in the long run, but when you know that really it isn't. That person could be the closest person in your life, or someone just about to step into that category._

I don't think I've ever been so moved by a story. Clare was good at writing about controversial things, but she was never one to write about her own problems. It was like pulling teeth with her—You had to force it out of her.

But that story was beginning to make me worry. What was Clare going through this time? Will it make her go back to the blade?

"So—um," I start. "What is it that inspired you to write that story?"

Her eyes widen like a deer being caught in head lights, but lets out a small chuckle. "I don't know," She flattens out her words as if she didn't know what to say.

"It had to have been something…" I say. Here we go pulling teeth again.

She shakes her head. "Just a sudden burst of inspiration I guess."

My eyes meet her and I could see the unhappiness in her eyes. There _had _to have been something.

She gives a shivered smile anyways. "I really don't want to talk about it." She says.

I guess the tooth wasn't ready to come out yet, but I nod my head anyways and turn back around.

* * *

_What's wrong, what's wrong now?  
Too many, too many problems  
She don't know where she belongs  
Where she belongs_

Clare's POV

I count my steps as I walk down the street back to my house. I didn't want to go home and find Kurt there, still being his nosey self.

"How are you?" "How was your day?" "What did you do?" "Did you talk to your friends?" It bugged the crap out of me that he didn't actually care, he just wanted to make a good impression.

The door creaks open and my mom is in the kitchen, and doing what looks like making dinner.

I stand there in the doorway with out a movement and examine the living room around me. Something about it looked so…_empty. _

"Clare," My mom says happily from the kitchen. "Good, you're home." She starts stirring her dinner in the pan again.

I still stood there, motionless. The only thing I could really do was open my mouth to speak. "What," I snap. "No Kurt today?"

I could feel her eyes roll. "Clare, I know you're not happy about him being around—

"More like utterly in opposition to it." I say walking over to the couch and throwing my bag onto it.

"But he's been a good help," She continues, ignoring my remark. "Why do you hate him so much?"

I shake my head and it stung letting my words out. "You _know _why."

"Why, because he's not your dad?"

"Yes, and he fact that I find a stranger in my house. Soon after that he becomes my new '_daddy_'."

"Oh, c'mon Clare," My mom says. "It's not like I'm marrying the guy."

"_Yet..." _

She sets down her cooking utensil and makes her way over to me. "I'm sick of your attitude."

I cross my arms in a jerk-off way. "Oh really?" I ask her broadening my so called _attitude. _

She raises her hands. "I give up." She says and goes back to making dinner. "I could just send you back to Ms. Suvae."

I roll my eyes. She thinks _that _scares me? Sure I'm enjoying my free time, but a few more modest meetings with Ms. Suvae don't make me want to change _one bit. _

I smelt the aroma of dinner and realized I really wasn't hungry. "I'm going upstairs," I announce and walk up the flight of stairs and into my room. While falling down onto my comfortable bed, I grab my laptop and then swing it open. I needed something to get my mind off of things.

The first thing I do is log into face-range. Nothing new here, except for my IM list. I check who was on, maybe Alli was on, but she wasn't.

But Eli was on.

I sit there for a moment, stare into my computer as if it was about to do cartwheels, and I didn't know what to do. Most of me wanted him to ask me if I was alright, but part of me was advising against it. Most of me didn't want him to leave alone, but part of me wanted my space.

_I don't even know anymore. _

My stomach churned as I started to click on his name, and the empty IM box popped up. I didn't what to say, or even if I _wanted _to say anything to him. My mind was playing tricks on me. It was like an angel was on one shoulder and the devil was on the other. The angel telling me that I should tell him that I needed him there because then he could help me, but the devil telling me to give him the silent treatment. Make him wonder.

As I place my hands in position on the keyboard, something pulled me back. My dignity. If he really wanted to talk to me, he would've talked to me by now, right?

I was leaning more towards the devil on my shoulder. I needed to make him wonder. Make him _want more. _

I click out of the empty chat box and close my laptop, and then I realized I was losing my mind. I couldn't think, couldn't eat, and couldn't sleep. Something was _seriously _wrong with me.

My life went downhill, uphill, then back down again. I was on an emotional rollercoaster from all this stress building up in my soul, and I needed to get out.

But the only escape I could think of was to cut, and I couldn't do that again. I couldn't lie to myself about that actually being _okay _to do. One thing I learned about sin—Hurting yourself is just as bad as hurting others. You are hurting _someone, _and that someone just happens to be yourself.

A small lie is on the same level of murder to god. Any sin is any sin. I knew in my heart that I could be forgiven, but in my gut I knew that I didn't deserve it. No matter what anyone else says.

It was official; I was losing faith in me, and in god. I knew that no matter what I'd do, this feeling of hatred for myself wasn't going to go away just because I wanted to be forgiven by god, myself, or everyone around me.

I was truly hopeless. And no one could change that.

* * *

_Her feelings she hides  
her dreams she can't find  
she's losing her mind  
she's falling behind.  
she can't find her place  
she's losing her faith  
she's falling from grace  
she's all over the place_

* * *

"Clare!"

Great, another chance of verbal acuity. Ignoring my eager sense to not listen to her, I walk down the stairs anyways and guess who's there standing by her? Kurt.

"What do you want?" I ask coldly.

"We have some news."

"Are you guys getting married?" I deadpan. Please tell me I'm wrong…

"Well," My mom starts. "Not exactly."

Confusion filled my sense of curiosity as I stepped down the steps completely. "What do you mean?" I ask. My stomach was churning.

My mom looks at Kurt, smiles, then looks back at me. "Kurt got a job offer in Virginia."

I shrug. "Isn't that in the US?" I ask her.

She nods her head. "So," She starts. "He asked us to move in with him…"

* * *

_She's lost inside,  
And she can't get out this time._


	23. Chapter 23: Cut

**Wow, I just thought of that chapter as I was writing it. Now I have the ending chapter figured out. This is going to be great guys. No, this isn't the last chapter. We've still got a ways to go. (: So this song Cut that I am listening to is really inspiring for this chapter, so I'm going to kind of go by the lyrics. (: **

_I'm not a stranger  
No I am yours  
With crippled anger  
And tears that still drip sore  
A fragile flame aged  
Is misery  
And when our hearts meet  
I know you see_

My heart dropped the pit of my stomach. "No," I whimper shaking my head. "No, you can't do that to me!"

"Bu—

"But, _nothing, _mom! You've only known this guy for 6 weeks!" She stood there in disbelief of my crying eyes that shortly after became narrowed in a death glare. "How could you do that to me?"

She says nothing, but just stands there next to Kurt and reaches for his hand which disgusted me.

I shake my head. "Look at yourself…This is pathetic. You don't love him mom, you're just desperate."

I run back up the stairs and close my room locking it. My breath started to become shorter and shorter as I felt as if I was having some sort of panic attack, but that I didn't care for. The only on my mind right now was to get the anger out.

The first thing I could find was a small glass heart shaped box that I got for my 2nd birthday from my so-called mom. I didn't want it anymore, so the quickest solution was to throw it against the white wall of my bedroom. The glass shattered quickly on my wall which scared me to death. I didn't want to be Clare Edwards anymore. Now's the time that I wanted to live a perfect life even though that wasn't humanly possible.

I lean on the back of my bed and cry into my knees. It couldn't be possible to live such a horrible life.

This time I didn't care what was right or wrong. I needed to let the anger out.

I pull out my bag under my bed and take out those familiar scissors that I had before my little sessions with Ms. Suvae. My conscience was telling me not to do it, but I knew I had to. I knew that this was the only way.

I take the scissors to my wrist and then take it from vein to vein, although I am much too weak to actually break one. All I was capable of doing is break the skin, which I knew I needed more of.

A thudding noise rings into my ears and I notice that someone was at the door. "What?" I yell out still shaking.

"…It's Kurt."

_No, no, no. _I shake my head and slip on a long sleeve shirt. I creep over to the door and open it. He stands there motionless. "What?" I ask stepping out into the hallway and closing the door behind me.

"I thought that I should be the one to come talk to you."

"You thought wrong." I say starting to shut the door, but his grip grabs a hold of it and swings it back. That startled me.

"Just listen." He says more aggressively this time. "We are tired of your behavior."

I laugh in disbelief. "Wow," I say sarcastically. "Last time I checked you weren't my father."

He raises an eyebrow looks even more pissed than before. His angry look becomes worse as seconds passed by. He then pulls my shoulders back against the wall quiet enough that my mother wouldn't hear. "You listen here you little brat, your mom is happy. Don't ruin it like you always seem to do."

I couldn't break free of his strong grip that was starting to hurt my shoulders. It held onto me like I had no way out. "Got it?" He says quietly but intimidating.

I nod my head, still shivering in fear, and holding back my tears. "Got it," I answer and then refuse to look him in the eyes. "Now let go." I say calmly.

He lets go of his grip and then trots back downstairs. Then there came the water works again. I felt my shoulder and could feel the pain burning it.

I needed to get out of here for real this time.

* * *

_I do not want to be afraid  
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in  
I'm tired of feeling so numb  
Relief exists I find it when  
I am cut_

* * *

I run down the stairs and out the door not even acknowledging my mother and Kurt yelling out my name. I could never face Kurt, and the thought of moving in with him killed me inside.

I run down the street, as fast as I could, and I didn't dare to look back. I didn't dare to try going back now, because this time it was real. I was in deep shit this time.

The only problem was that I didn't know where I was even going. Somewhere where my mother least expects. For the first time this week, I really wanted to see Eli.

* * *

Eli's POV

A knock goes on the door. That was odd. No one bothers to come here anymore.

I lift myself from the couch and trudge my tired self over to the door.

I open it and notice an unexpected surprise.

"Clare?" I ask. "What are you doing here?" I tried my best not to have such a cold tone.

She looks up with her eyes looking red and swollen. "I-I'm sorry," She stutters. "I shouldn't have even come.

"No," I say holding her arm to stop her. "What's going on?"

She's faced away from me, but I knew that her head was shaking. "I'm moving." She says not even turning to me.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing right then and there. "_What?" _I ask. This couldn't be true. I couldn't be hearing this.

She turns around to face me. "To Virginia." She adds.

I shake my head, still not believing what I'm hearing. "Why?"

She sniffles and then wipes a tear from her eye. "It's Kurt."

"Who's Kurt?" I was obviously clueless.

"My mom's new boyfriend," She crosses her arms. "He wants us to move with him to Virginia."

"You can't just _move." _The thought of her moving and the look on her face made me want to cry also. I couldn't lose Clare like this.

"Well, what else am I supposed to do?"

I had no answers for her this time, but I still just couldn't let her move away from here.

She opens her mouth to speak again. "I've lived in Toronto all my life and now I'm leaving just like that…" She looks down and shakes her head again. "I'm in a living hell, Eli. I hate this."

"Clare," I say holding her shoulders. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

She breathes in hard as if she was in pain. I slowly move my hands off her shoulders. "Clare, is something else wrong?"

She takes a seat on the front step and I follow after taking a seat next to her. "He came upstairs slammed me against the wall."

My jaw fell to the floor this time. "He _hurt _you?"

She nods her head lightly and then I saw more tears fall down her face. No one should have to deal with this, _especially _Clare. "I can't tell my mom," She starts. "Or she'll think I'm lying. And I'm afraid if I do, he'll get mad and—

She stops right there and then cries more. "I don't know what to do." She finalizes.

"Maybe you should tell your mom anyways. Maybe she'll believe you."

"She's so infatuated with Kurt that she'll be too blind to believe me."

"It's worth a try…" I say.

She looks up to me. "I can't go back there Eli," She says. "I just can't."

"Then," I start. "You can stay here."

She raises an eyebrow. "Really?"

I chuckle. "It's not like I'm going to try and seduce you," I start and she laughs. "That would be taking advantage of you."

She gives a smile. This time for real. "Thanks." She says.

_I may seem crazy_  
_Or painfully shy_  
_And these scars wouldn't be so hidden_  
_If you would just look me in the eye_


	24. Chapter 24: Caved In

**This chapter is completely innocent, I promise! (: Ha. I would never do that to Eclare though, seriously. They will **_**never **_**have sex, at least not in my fan fiction. But if they ever do, I will be PISSED. Eli taking something like that from Clare, it's crazy.  
But since it was Reese in here…*Coughs*Anyways…  
I keep changing the song title for this chapter. I keep thinking the one's I had didn't work.**

**On with the story, shall we? **

_When did silence drown out all the joy  
And leave us with the pain  
Or have you counted all the things that we've gone through  
Yet here we are today_

Clare's POV

Eli's basement. Perfectly set with the couch in front of a big screen TV and a mini fridge. I know I've been here before, but man, it _is _fancy. Every time I walk down here, it's like I've walked into a whole new world.

"So you're just…moving." He starts. "Just like that?"

I take in a deep sigh before answering. "Yep," I say simply. "Just like that…It sucks."

Eli doesn't answer. He just sort of stands there, tracing the patterns on the wallpaper apparently. He didn't look too happy though. Not like he was mad, he looked…sad, almost.

"What?" I ask him.

He raises a hand and a frown creeps onto his face. "I'm just surprised." He says and then looks me right into the eyes. "I don't want you to move." He says it in a playfully pouty voice.

It made me smile that he could still joke around with me even when I'm at my worst. I turn my head. "I guess life goes on." I take a step forward. "You're not going to miss me too much, are you?"

He tilts his head down and then back up to me. "I can't make that promise."

As I grinned just then, all the thoughts about being mad at Eli had suddenly disappeared. It was like nothing bad ever happened, and that we had a clean slate. But sadly, that wasn't going to last for long.

"I just wish things would've been different," I sitting myself comfortably on the couch. At the exact same time, Eli did also. I look at him with a sincere smile on my face. "Remember when you asked me if I could change one thing in the world, what would it be?"

"Yeah," He says nodding his head. He looks at me with a more confused look this time. "Why?"

I shake my head. "I guess I would change everything from when my dad died to up until now." This time, thinking about my dad, I didn't want to cry. I felt comfortable talking about it, for the very first time.

He puts on his sincere smile again. "A lot happened," He says nodding his head. He then puts on a more comfortable look. "I'm really sorry Clare…For _everything." _

I smirk. "That's history, Eli." I assure him with a smile.

He stares into the blankness of the television in front of him. He didn't say a word, —He probably didn't want to.

"It's not fair," I start again. "I'm taking the fall for her stupid mistake. She never _once _thought of me in this situation."

He shakes his head. "People are selfish," He says. "I guess we can't change that." He looks at me. "So what's your master plan of getting out of this?" He asks with a smirk on his face.

I couldn't help but smile, although I had no way of making it out this time. "There is none," I say. "There's no way of getting out of this. I guess I need to pack my bags, and then live in an even worse hell then I'm living now."

I get up and stare blankly at the wall. I didn't feel anything at that moment. Not happy, not sad, just numb.

He asks me the all famous question. "So you're just not going to tell her," I hear him get up from the couch and walk over behind me. "_At all." _

I shrug. "I guess I can try," I start. "I doubt she'll believe me." I turn back around, and Eli was closer to me then I ever thought he would be.

Despite everything that was going on, Eli smirks as if nothing else was going on and our faces began to get closer and closer until our foreheads touched. It was perfect until…

_Ring _breaks the perfect moment. I look down at my pocket and at my buzzing phone. I pull my head back and slip it out of my pocket and see my mom was calling. My stomach started to turn as I answered it. "_H-hello_?" I stutter.

"Clare Edwards," I heard on the line. Her voice was stern and intimidating. "_Where are you? _It is 11 o'clock at night."

I roll my eyes. "You saw me leave, didn't you?"

She doesn't say anything, and I could feel her frown developing. "Come home. _Now." _

I sigh and hang up the phone. My eyes shoot straight back to Eli. "I need to go." I start to walk over to grab my jacket.

"Need a ride?"

I laugh faintly. "If my mom finds out I was here, she'll _kill _me." I nod my head. "I'll walk."

He nods and I say my last goodbye for the night. As I walk out the door, I was relieved that no one was home at Eli's, but mad because my mom called at the worst time.

_I'm waiting for you hoping you were hopeless  
And you'd find your way to me  
Caved in, burnt out, is this how our story ends  
It wasn't meant to be_

**It's a really short chapter, but the next one is going to be really good.  
Hope you guys like this story still! (: REVIEW! **


	25. Chapter 25: He's Hurting Me

**Hmmm. Still debating if this will be a two-parter. I think it will, but I'm not sure. I guess we'll just have to see how this chapter ends, and then I'll see what I can do. **

**Wow! Already on chapter 25? It seems like I started this book just yesterday! I am truely greatful to each and everyone of you for helping me make it this far. You guys are aweosme! :)**

**Now for a thank you present? I don't know yet. I'll have to think. I've already thanked a few of you faithful readers for reading my stories individually, but I feel like I should've done more. So I think I'll do this now:  
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU! Don't know if I'm directing to you? Well, I AM! And you! Yeah, you! You guys are awesome! :) If you were all here, I would give you all a hug, because I love you! **

**You guys wont be dissapointed with the ending of this story. It's not the last chapter, but a few chapters from now it will be! :( *tear* I am about to cry because I don't want to end this story. But seriously. KEEP READING! Because instead of 'its about to get real', It's about to get awesome! :)**

_I've never been confronted with my own thoughts  
They don't bother me when I'm alone  
Can you come over save me, because he won't stop  
Now get him off his fucking throne_

Clare's POV

First step, second step. It seemed as if it took me forever to walk up those two steps, but I felt that it was way too quick to step in there. To face the consequences. What's in store for me this time?

Snapping back at my mom was one thing for me to get physically hurt, but now staying out all night will get me killed. I clench my eyes shut for a few seconds remember earlier—being pinned to the wall, being scared out of my mind. I never knew he was that much of a _monster. _I was obligated to think that he was a nice guy, I just couldn't see through his certain appearance, the appearance that showed how he had everything together, and that he was an over-all good guy.

I reach for the door knob, but then retreat my hand. I wasn't ready to see their death glares, and I was ready for the pain. I felt as if I was morally abused, but something like being pinned to a wall was bound to leave some scars.

The door creaks open at one simple touch. Looks like they were waiting for me—waiting to have me pay the cost. I poke my head through the door and see nothing but a blank living room, but a distant chatter from the kitchen. I extend my neck further to see them sitting there, waiting.

_I _was waiting for one to say something, but they didn't. They just sat there…quietly. I figured it was time to go inside.

One step in and I close the door. They heard me come in, I knew they did, but they still sat there. I was, of course, clueless. As if their silence hit me like a ton of bricks.

I worked up the courage to walk over to the table and then they finally shot a look to me. Kurt's was the devil's stare, and my mom's was scared. Not just scared, but _petrified, _and it looked as if she has been crying. "What now?" I asked too coldly.

"Are you _kidding?_" Kurt yells and stands up. "You're mom was scared out of her mind, and you have the audacity to walk in here and ask _what. Now?" _

"Spare me," I say to him. I really shouldn't be talking like this to Kurt, because this could really have me ended up dead. I take a seat in the closest seat to my moms. "I'm fine. See? Here I am, safe and sound."

"That's not it Clare," She says. "After all this…_chaos _with you I was _more _than scared out of my mind that you were going to do something you'll regret."

I look down at my hands folded across the table. "Well I didn't," I answer.

"What is up with you?" She asks me and I examine her swollen, red eyes as she asked me in a sincere voice.

_It's worth a try. _Eli's words repeated in my head, and I figured to just go for it.

I point to Kurt who was still standing up. "That jerk you call your boyfriend is a monster!"

She lifts her head from her hands, and my mind felt smug as I looked at Kurt who was standing up in a horrid way. "What?" He says. "I have no clue what you are talking about."

"Clare," My mom says, but this time, she sounded as if she cared. "What makes you say that?"

I felt that I said too much, but I had to finish what I started. "…He hurt me."

Kurt turns his head and doesn't say anything. My mom's jaw drops. "_What?"_

"She's lying…" Kurt says. "How do you think you can believe her after everything that happened?"

My mouth hits the floor as I stare at both of them looking so pathetic. I started to hurt from the anger in my system that he would say that. "I can't _believe _this!" I say and stand up. "You don't really believe him, do you?" She looks down at the table and runs her finger across the lines of the wood and just then, I knew her answer. "Mom…"

She looks up to me with a guilty expression. "I honestly don't know who to believe."

I shake my head and felt tears develop into my eyes, _once again. _"I've said it once and I'll say it again," I choke. "You're _pathetic." _I slide the chair back and spring up. "_I'll start packing." _

My feet stumble as I make my way across the floor and up the stairs. There was only one way out, but I wasn't going to go that way. I never wanted to _die, _and I never want to even try and take that road.

_I guess I'm moving for real. _I pull out the flattened storage box set against my wall and fold it all together. First I start with my walls. I start to take off each picture that has a memory behind each and every one. From the pictures with Alli all the way back to grade nine.

There was so much I was leaving behind. Alli, Adam, and Eli…Each one has made a huge impact in my life. Not like I had very many friends before that, I mean, I was all about academics back at my private school.

The worst part was that I tried to make the most out of this year, despite everything else that happened to me. For once I've felt that I am where I belong, and then it's gone, just like that.

_Knock, knock. _"Clare," It sounded like my mother's voice.

"What?" I ask with an attitude.

"Can I come in?"

I say nothing. _No, you can't come in. I don't want to see you. _She opens the door anyways. I guess she can't really read my mind…

"Did you come up here to call me a liar?" I ask her, again, with an attitude.

"Not exactly…"

"But it was along the lines of that, right?"

She rolls her eyes. "I just want to know why you lied."

I stand up from my kneeling knees. "Lied? Why would I lie about something like that?"

"I know you're not too happy about Kurt being here, but you don't have to lie about something like that."

"_What?"_ This was it. She wasn't going to believe me. I might as well give it up. "You know what," I start again. "You're right. I lied. I'm sorry." I fall back down on my knees and start to organize the pictures into the box that I was putting them in.

She smiles weakly, even though I could tell she wanted to do anything _but _smile towards me. "I'm sorry Clare," She says.

I shake my head. "Whatever." I say and don't give her a look, not even a glance, but I knew she was still there. "Can you just _leave_?"

I felt her presence start to go away and the door closes. I take a deep breath in looking at all these pictures. I was leaving _so _much behind.

_It's not his fault I made him lose his temper  
I should know better not to talk to loud_


	26. Chapter 26: Who I Am

**Since next weeks episode is going to be…woah…I need to end this story here. There WILL be one more chapter, so don't freak out just yet! I've had a great time writing for you guys, and I hope that after all the Eclare madness is over, I can write another Eclare story. ;)  
I love you guys so much! And I'm glad that I was able to write for you guys for so long, and I'm glad for all the readers and reviewers, you guys are surely awesome! 3**

**Well, here we go…The final chapter….**

_And you might think I'm losing my mind  
But I will shy away from the specifics  
Cause I don't want you to know where I am  
Cause then you'll see my heart  
In the saddest state it's ever been  
This is no place to try and live my life_

Clare's POV

"Clare?" _Knock, knock. _"Clare, it's me." The faint sound of my mothers voice made me not want to see her anymore than I already didn't, but I knew that any minute now she'd be busting through the door, making up some other dim-witted excuse for me not be sad, and not be mad at her.

If only she knew. _If only…_

The door creaks a small bit open. "Is it alright to come in?" No response from me, but she takes it as a yes and steps in.

I lay my head on my pillow, inverting my eyes from the laptop. She stands there dumb-founded. "What?" I ask after a few moments of silence.

"You're not even done packing," She states the obvious. "We are leaving Sunday."

I sit up from my pillow, a bit shocked. "_Sunday? _Why so soon?"

"Because your father," _Stop right there. _Did she just say my _father? _I perk up and turn my head to her intensely. She knew I wasn't happy with her choice of words. I could tell by the way she took a step back. "I mean, _Kurt _is starting his job on Tuesday." She starts to the doorway. "Get packing."

She makes her way out the door, and I turn my eyes back to the laptop to see a new IM message. From Eli. There's a way to put a smile on my face.

**Eli-golds45: Coffee the dot? **

That was really just what I needed. I needed to get my mind off of things, and just enjoy my last few days here at Degrassi, Toronto.

**Clareedwards: Rain-check. Mom's making me pack my bags. **

Why did I do that? If I was the old Clare, I would've said yes right then and there, but something was holding me back, the fact that this was over, and there was nothing I could do about it.

And that made me angry. It made me…sad.

I wanted to cry, but I couldn't find the strength inside of me to. It's like I was drained out of all my tears for the last time in my life, and that I would never be able to cry again. As crazy as it sounds, I liked to cry. It felt good to let out all the emotions with every single tear that fell down my face.

And it hurt to smile, because it hurt myself to know that I never meant it anymore. The only time that I truly smiled was with Eli…And after Sunday, he won't be there to cheer me up anymore.

It was all wrong how I felt, my family…I guess you couldn't even call it a family anymore. Just a mother, with two daughters, and a man who thinks he can waltz into our life and call himself our father.

As much as I missed my dad, I didn't want another one. I didn't want any other man but him to be living in our house. He was probably the very first person close to me that I've lost, and will forever always be the hardest one to except that they are gone.

* * *

_Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it  
See that line? Well, I never should've crossed it  
Stop right there, well, I never should've said that  
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back_

I smelt the aroma of dinner cooking downstairs and it wasn't until then that I realized how starving I really was.

I climb off my bed and try and drag myself out the door and down the stairs. No trace of my mother, but just Kurt standing in the kitchen and making some sort of food. It smelled maybe like pasta. _Now he's cooking in our kitchen too?_

He obviously felt my presence, and looked back at me. "Oh," He starts sounding absolutely harmless. "Hello Clare."

Ignoring his welcome, I say, "Where's my mom?"

"She got a call from the office." He answers. "But I couldn't let you go hungry."

He was acting pathetic. I could tell he was just doing this look good, which I didn't like. "You didn't have to," I say awkwardly.

He just turns back, and gives me a _look. _"It's fine…" He says trying to sound calm, but I could tell he wanted to yell at me, and teach me a lesson.

The thought scared me, but I sat down at the table where he set out plates with our dinner on it. I was starving, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to eat, I wanted to make a break for it, but my stomach advised against it.

"Um," I say refusing my growling stomach. "I'm really not that hungry, so-"

"Clare," He says nicely. "I won't bite."

The problem with that: He probably would…And if I screwed up once, that would be it.

So I take a seat down as far across from him and start to run my fork across the food. I didn't want to eat, no matter how hungry I was, and how the smell of this delicious food made my head feel empty.

"Are you going to eat anything?" He asks me.

The shake of my head left him questioning. "Why?" He asks again.

I set down my fork that made a clanging noise on the plate. "I just have a lot on my mind."

"Like what?"

I take a deep breath in. "I don't want to move…"

Then an idea hit me. I whip out my phone, and at the remembrance of where the keys are, and where the buttons are, I press the record button. "Look," He starts as I set my phone on my lap, still recording. "I know you aren't too happy about this whole thing," I look down at my phone, the screen was black, but the phone was still on. I set it on the table to get a better recording of this all. "But your mom and I love each other."

"_Love each other?" _My voice rises to keep up this plan that I had going. "You've only been with her for a month or so!"

I saw his face burn up, and he looks back down at his plate. I needed something more, before my phone dies. I twirl some noodles on my fork and purposely flick it his way. I knew now that I was going to get hurt.

It lands on his face and he looked idiotic, and I laughed.

He stands up from the table and slaps them on it letting the plates rattle. "You did that on purpose!" He yells.

My stomach churned, but I didn't care. I look down at my phone and the blank screen, but I knew it was still recording. I smirked, and this plan was just about to go into action.

He stomps over to me and grabs my shoulder. "Ouch!" I scream out, completely over-exaggerating.

"You are asking for it young lady."

"What are you going to do?" I yell in his face. "_Hit _me?"

His face growls as he lifts his hand. I clench my eyes together, getting ready for the beating, and then, it hits me. His hand strikes across my face and leaves me on the floor from the force of his hand. He leaves me there, and then walks back to his plate.

I try my best to stand up from the floor. That slap hit me hard on the ground, but it didn't hurt to know that my plan was going to work.

My arm strength helps me work my way up, and I stand there, at the table, smirking at my phone. I pick it up, press the stop button, and walk upstairs without another word.

When I get upstairs, I replay my phone. It had everything from the flicking of the food, right down to the slap. This was perfect.

It was time to call Eli and tell him the good news. I press out of the record session on my phone, scroll down to the E's in my contacts, and call Eli.

He answers after about two rings. "Hello?" He asks casually over the line.

"Eli," I say still smirking. "I've got a way to make Kurt never set foot in this house again…"


	27. Chapter 27: This Is Home

**o.o The official last chapter.**

**I can't say much or else I'll start crying! ):**

**I just hope you guys loved reading as much as I loved writing. **

_I've got my memories.  
They're always inside of me.  
But I can't go back  
back to how it was._

Clare's POV

The only thing that was holding up this thread I was standing on was hope. Hope that maybe my mom will believe this is true, and kick Kurt out of here. But staring at the nearly empty house made it all harder to hope, but now I'm keeping strong.

Just a few more minutes before my mom comes home and I'm feeling anxious. It all comes down to this. The moment of truth, and the moment we've all been waiting for starts when she walks through those doors and says.

"I'm home!"

There she is. Right on cue. My stomach ached, my hands were paralyzed, and my wrist hurt from the blade of anxiety. That never stopped, and if this doesn't work, it probably never will.

I found the strength in my legs to move to the door and down the stairs where I saw her standing in the doorway hanging up her coat. Was it too early? Maybe I should let her eat her dinner first.

"Mom," This can't wait, so I shouted those words. She turns to me, confused of my developing black eye, and the petrified look hanging inside it.

"Clare," She says and rushes over to me. "What happened to your eye?" She holds my head back and start to caress it with her finger.

I could see Kurt through my peripheral vision and he did not look happy. He stood up from his seat and I could see the hatred in his eye. I pull out my phone and start scanning through the buttons. "Mom, there's something I need you to hear." I hold up the phone and press the play button.

_But your mom and I love each other. _It starts. She takes the phone from my hand and holds it up to her ear. She looked confused, and I could feel the smug look develop on my face, and the scared look develop on Kurt's

_Love each other? You've only been dating for two months. _A silence came across for a few moments, enough time for Kurt to yell out. "What the-

"Shhh," My mom interrupts and holds up her hand. I gave Kurt a confident look.

My giggle came over the phone and then a slamming came over it also as my mother jumped from the loud noise.

_You did that on purpose. _Her face lit up, but not in a good way.

You could hear his stomps over the phone and then my loud _Ouch! _

_What are you going to do? Hit me? _

A few moments after that, you could hear the slap across my face. Loud and clear, clear as water. The thump on the floor finished it all.

She slowly backs the phone from her ear and I could see the look in her eyes. Traumatized. Her hand covers her mouth, which made my look fade away. What had I done? Did I just ruin any chance of her to be happy? "Clare," She says. "Please tell me I'm not just hearing things…"

I felt disgusted. But if this didn't end, I would live a hell, and so would my mother. First me, next her. I shook my head. "I told you I wasn't lying." My head tilts down and I felt ashamed of myself. "I'm sorry, mom." Why did I suddenly go from satisfied to critically ashamed?

"Dianne," Kurt starts, but couldn't finish his sentence to my mom's screaming "Get out of here" Right in his ear, which pierced mine. I've never actually heard my mom yell like she did, but that ass deserved it. He walks out with his head down, and then I knew that I wouldn't be seeing him anymore.

"Mom," I start as I look into her heartbreaking eyes. "I'm so sorry."

She shakes her head. "I should've believed you." She says. Her arms pull me into a hug as she cries into my shoulder. It was so distressing to see my own mother this way, and to know that I ruined everything for her. "I knew you weren't happy about having him around, I just didn't want to believe that he would do that."

"Honestly," I start. "I didn't want to believe it either…" We both pull away from our hug and I look her in her eyes. "So I guess this means we aren't moving?"

She looks back at me, and a smile creeps across her face. "Unpack your things."

_This is home  
Now I'm finally where I belong  
Where I belong, Yeah, this is home  
I've been searching to realize where I am is home. _

Eli's POV

Pacing my bedroom was making me tired, but I couldn't stop the anxiety of thinking that Clare's plan might not work, and these last few days could've been the last that I'd be able to see her. I know we aren't technically together anymore, but if she is able to stay, I want to make this work. I want to take back everything I had done to that poor innocent girl, take it back and just live a happy relationship. I know it won't be easy at times, but this time I didn't care. Nobody's perfect, I know that, so that means that no relationship is perfect. Sure there will be bumps in the road, but I know that we will be together in the end.

But first I need to make sure that this will work.

Is that a knock on the door I hear? Oh god, I sure hoped so. And if it wasn't Clare, I would not be happy.

I swing open my front door, and there she stands, in my doorway, Clare Edwards. I've never been so scared of what her answer was in my life.

"Hi," I greet simply. She looks at me, with hope in her eyes. "So, did it work?" I didn't want to ask, because I wasn't ready for the answer. And if it was a no, I wasn't ready to deal with it. Suddenly, a light sparks her eye, a smile creeps across her face, and my face was filled with hope. I felt my idiotic smile develop. "It worked?" I asked filled with hope, and I knew that the answer was most likely yes because she wouldn't be smiling otherwise.

Her head nods up and down and I felt the butterflies in my stomach go away. "I'm staying!" She says giddy and happy.

The excitement pulls us both to each other and brings the kiss of a lifetime. Not like the first time, not like the others, this one was real. I knew that this time things were going to change, but in the best way possible.

As soon as we were pulled apart, I saw her smile creep back on her face. "Things are going to be different this time." I assure her.

She looks up into my eyes, my arms around her waist and her hands on my shoulder. "I'll make sure of it."

_Belief over misery  
I've seen the enemy  
And I wont go back, back to how it was.  
And I got my heart set on what's going to happen next._

**Stay tuned for an epilogue. **_  
_


	28. Chapter 28: Epilogue

**Noooow it's the last chapter. **

Clare's POV

I'm still Clare Edwards, but I'm a very changed Clare Edwards. Back to a time when I had no regrets, and just wanted to live my life starts again now. I know I'm not perfect this time, but god isn't asking for perfection, he's asking for us to live for him.

Sitting here at the Dot with Eli made me not regret anything. From the ravine with Reese, to the cutting, and to everything that is going to follow after this moment. I know it may sound cheesy, but everything happens for a reason. And this reason was to make me the strong person I am now.

We all know the crap I've been through, and we all knew that my purity ring was long gone, but I promised myself and god to never again have sex before marriage, because I think we all know that that would just not be good for me or anyone else.

But this time I thought that god had a sense of humor. Maybe he does. Maybe he just wanted to show me life, and then just laugh about it with me in the end.

But now since I'm at school, after a peaceful cup of coffee with Eli, I need to focus on more important things: Like how I'm going to make up for all the work I missed during my state of hopelessness.

Our first classes are separate. Chemistry for me, Calculus for Eli. A small kiss good-bye, and then head off to my class so I can beg and plea for a chance at a new grade.

"Is there any way I can raise my grade?" I ask my teacher who has her pen in her mouth and her hands scouring across the desk.

She takes her pen out of her mouth before she speaks. "I know you are capable of doing better work," She starts. "I mean, you _are _Clare Edwards, but I want you to prove it. I'll count this last assignment as seventy percent of your final grade."

"I won't let you down this time," I assure her.

As the day flew by and English creped in, I took my seat, picked up my pencil, and took a quick look-over at my paper sat on my desk.

In a nut shell, the paper said that we could write whatever we wanted, but had to be something of the senses. Something we've done, or have the ability to do.

As I pick up my pencil, and hit the paper with it, I write:

_The ability to change._

_Change is most certainly a good thing. I legitimately remind myself everyday of that. The only thing wrong with change is letting that happen to you, and you take the risk of that being for better or for worse.  
I think we all know I've changed a lot over the years. From the school uniforms, to the mending after my father had past, things have changed, but I think that's a good thing. Everything happens for a reason, and this reason being to show me what I'm missing, and to let it all go, even if it was the biggest regret of your life.  
So now I've realized that I have no regrets, and that living my life is all I need to do right now. I've learned to enjoy the simple things. For the most part, I've learned that even the best may fall sometimes. _


End file.
